Newest jokes

During a funeral for a woman
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
''Well, at least we know she got there all right,''
commented her
husband

A knight and his
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. ''How
are we faring?'' asked the king.
''Sire!'' replied the knight, ''I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west.'' ''What?'' shrieked the king, ''I don't have any enemies to the

west!'' ''Oh!''
said the knight, ''Well, you do now.''

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones
replied simply, ''Today is the viewing.''

Out All Night Drinking An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!'' ''How did you know?'' he asks. ''The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.''

Nowhere, VermontSam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, ''Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.''''Great,'' replies Sam. ''After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.''As Enoch is leaving, he stops. ''Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.'' ''Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.''Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. ''More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.'' Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. ''Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.''Once again, Enoch turns from the door, ''I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.'' ''Now that is not a problem,'' Sam says. ''I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.By the way, what should I wear?''Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... ''Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.''

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...Must be a rubber tree...

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.''It opens at noon'' answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.''What time does the bar open?'' he asks.''Same time as before... Noon.'' replies the clerk.Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered ''Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?''The clerk then answers, ''It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.''''No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!''

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said ''That was fast.''''Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.''The other answers, ''That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.''''O.K.'' he says as he goes back over to the bush.Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says ''That was a terrible idea.Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!''

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find

a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says,
''Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an ''r'' after the first letter.''

The entire class says,
''Hello Mrs. Prussy.''

A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
''I remember it has an
''r'' after
the first
letter.''

''That's right!'' she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, ''Mrs. Crunt?''

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when

forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen
anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to
admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, ''They're
gone!'' ''What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?'' asked God. ''No!'' replied
Saint Peter.
''The Pearly Gates!''

A
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, ''Can I smell your
pussy?''

She replies, ''Hell no!''

The man says, ''Well, it must be
your feet then.''

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were
having
breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
''Harry, why do you have a
suppository in your ear?''

Harry took the suppository out, looked it
over and said, ''Sam, I'm
really glad
you saw this thing, now I
think I know where my hearing aid is.''

''Ever
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market.''

''Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically,'' remarked
his
friend.

''I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good
enough for me.''

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, ''Lady, - I haven't eaten in three days.'' ''Force yourself'' she replied.

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.''Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse''. ''Ssh!'' hisses the other, ''It's not till next week''.

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.''Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?''. ''Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week.''''So, Morrie,'' whispers Abraham ''How do you start a flood?''.

A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
over he
says, ''Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have
you been drinking?''

The man gets really indignant and says,
''Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?''

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.

''I'm sorry sir,'' the first trooper told the driver,
''but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket.''


Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, ''Tacks
evasion.''