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The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. ''Ebonics,'' a neologism created by combining ''Ebony'' and ''phonics,'' is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called ''Bubbonics!'' Created from mixing ''Bubba''and ''phonics,'' we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter ''L'' although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you?Kin ah hip ewe?Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is ''ah.'' The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics andBubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement inBubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.I axed you a question, sukka.Ah be smaht.I be smarts now.Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

A REALLY Bad DaySo you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.It's called, ''Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy.''

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. ''But,'' he said to the salesperson, ''I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the ''Z'' replaced with an ''S''?'' The dealer said yes, and it was done.And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, ''Wow, look at that S-car-go.''

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of2.5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.8. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN9. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL10. <----------------The information went data way-----------11. Best file compression around: ''DEL . '' = 100% compression12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!16. Access deniedInah nah na nah nah!17. c:> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...19. Why doesn't DOS ever say ''EXCELLENT command or filename!''20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.23. E Pluribus Modem24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...40. All computers wait at the same speed.41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.42. Press -- to continue...43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!46. E-mail returned to senderIinsufficient voltage.47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.50. ''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'' - Bill Gates, 198151. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...55. Go ahead, make my data

Jill tells her husband, ''Jack, that young
couple that
just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every
morning, when he
leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every
evening when he
comes homes, he brings her a dozen
roses.

Now, why can't you do that?''

''Gosh,'' Jack says, ''why I hardly
know the girl.''

The
newlywed wife said to her husband
when he returned from work, ''I have
great news for you. Pretty soon,
we're going to be three in this house
instead of two.''

Her
husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his

eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said,
''I'm
glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother
moves in
with us.''

A man and woman where on their honeymoon

after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide
to
take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of
Europe. As
the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse
mis-steps and
jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the
man dismounts,
walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states,
''That's one.'' The man remounts his horse and
they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's
horse stumbles when stepping
over a fallen tree. The man dismounts,
stares the horse in the eyes,
and boldly states, ''That's two!'' He
returns to his saddle and they
move on.

As the afternoon sun
began to set, the woman's horse once again lost
its footing on a
mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's
horse, and
helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front
o
f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, ''That's

three,'' removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse
dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to

her husband, ''That's terrible, why would you do such a
thing!''

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, ''That's one!''

After shopping for most of the day, a couple

returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police

station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to
the
parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of
the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.


There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two

tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ''I apologize for taking

your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your

ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the
inconvenience. Here
are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks,
the
country-and-western music star.''

Their faith in humanity
restored, the couple attend the concert and
return home late. They
find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods
have been taken
from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And,
there is
a note on the door reading, ''Well, you still have your car. I
have
to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?''

A
police officer in a small town stopped
a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.

''But,
officer,'' the man began, ''I can explain''

''Just be quiet,'' snapped the
officer. ''I'm going to let you cool
your heels in jail until the
chief gets back.''

''But, officer, I just wanted to say''

''And
I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!''

A few hours later
the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
''Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a
good mood
when he gets back.''

''Don't count on it,'' answered the fellow in
the cell. ''I'm the
groom.''

young couple
were on their honeymoon. The
husband was sitting in the bathroom on the
edge of the bathtub
saying to himself, ''Now how can I tell my wife that
I've got really
smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep
it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to
find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell
her?''

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, ''Now how
do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very

lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's

lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell

him gently?''

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to
tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom. He walks over to
the bed, climbs over to his
wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves
his face very close to hers and
says, ''Darling, I've a c
onfession to make.''

And she says, ''So have I, love.''

To
which he replies, ''Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.''

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. ''You can't make any noise,'' she warns him. ''My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!''Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. ''I have to go,'' he says.''Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom,'' she replies. ''Use the kitchen sink''. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks... ''Do you have any toilet paper?''

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his motherthought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?With a Crowbar!!!!!

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?He enters a duck.How can you tell if a Pole is present? He bets money on the duck.How can you tell if an Italian is present?The duck wins.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ''Happy Hour'' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''Indignantly, the man said, ''Why? Don't ye believe me?!?''

The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:An empty greyhound.

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, ''How
much for a blow job
?''.
''Hundred Bucks''.
''OK'', he said and
began to jerk off.
''What the hell are you doing that for?''
''For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?''

While away at a convention, an
executive
happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he
persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel
room, he
found out she had
a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive

found
himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive
walked from the shower into the
bedroom
to find his wife covered in
a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her
face
creamed, munching
candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.

Then,
without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, ''Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of

a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!''