Newest jokes

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.

''Excuse
me,'' she said, ''I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,

please?''

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, ''Not bad.''

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a
nursing home having a
chat. ''How are
you, Richard?'' asked George.
''I'm not feeling too good today, I'm
utterly
exhausted,'' replied
Richard. ''I've pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me.''
''I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,'' said George.

Richard
yawned and said, ''Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night.''

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?Answer: A fugitive

At a friend's wedding, everything went
smoothly
until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to
come down the
aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling
at the guests. When asked
afterward why he behaved so badly, he
explained, ''I was just trying to be a
good ring bear.''

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one
day about Mr. Riley and his
constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, ''I
have an idea about how to stop
him from spending so much time at the
pub. Every night he comes home
through the cemetery. One night you
should get disguised and spook him
when he comes staggering
through.''

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she
heard her
husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said,
''Who are you??''

Mrs. Riley replied, ''I am the devil!''

With
that, Riley shook her hand and said, ''Glad to meet ya, I'm
married
to your sister.''

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't
get along. One day she
said to him, ''If it wasn't for my money,
that new television wouldn't
be here. If it wasn't for my money,
that grand piano wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, this
house wouldn't be here.''

Casey mumbled, ''If it wasn't for
your money, I wouldn't be
here.''

In West Kerry, the wife commented, ''When we
were first married,
you took the small piece of steak and gave me
the larger. You don't
love me any more....''

''Nonsense,
darling,'' replied the husband, ''you cook better
now.''

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.2nd guy hisses: ''What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion'' 1st guy says: ''No, but all I have to do is outrun you''!

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not

without a few ''squalls'' received a humble lecture from their priest

regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

''Why, that dog and
cat you have agree better than you.''

''If yer reverence'll tie
them together, ye'll soon change yer
mind.''

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom

and says, ''Mommy, why does the girl wear white?''

His mom
replies, ''The bride is in white because she's happy and this
is the
happiest day of her life.''

The boy thinks about this, and then
says, ''Well then, why is the boy
wearing black?''

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again?Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape!I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift?The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

What might've happened:Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. ''I'm going back home!'' he tells the Iraqi. ''We'll finish these talks in two weeks!''A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.''Forget this,'' says Saddam. ''I'm going back to Baghdad!''Clinton says through tears of laughter, ''What Baghdad?''

It's for my mother-in-law,'' explained the
mourner at
the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured
down at the
dog and said, ''My Doberman here killed
her.''

''Gee...That's terrible,'' commiserated the spectator. ''But...
Hmmmm...
Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?''

The
bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and

answered, ''Get in line.''

Once there was a millionaire, who collected
live
alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The
millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day
he decides
to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announces, ''My dear
guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I
will give one
million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full
of alligators and emerge alive!''

As
soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large

splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and

screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as

though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the
other side
with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The
millionaire was
impressed.

He said, ''My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it
could be done! Well I must keep
my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million
dollars?''

The guy says, ''Listen, I don't want your money, nor
do I want your
daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that
water!''

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided
to his
wife, ''I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated
on you
throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told
you I was
working late, I was with other women. And not just one
woman either, but
I've slept with dozens of them.''

His wife
looked at him calmly and said, ''Why do you think I gave you
the
poison?''

Sorry Texans....A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned tohis office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of hiscoyotes was caught in a trap.''How do you know it's one of our coyotes?'' asked the Oklahoma gamewarden.''Well,'' replied the Texas game warden, ''He's already chewed off threeof his legs and he's still trapped!''

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The twoin the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -they couldn't get the tailgate open!

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a smalltown. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use herposition to try to influence the new student. She asks theclass, ''Who was the greatest man that ever lived?''A girl raises her hand and says, ''I think George Washingtonwas the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Fatherof our country.'' The teacher replies, ''Well...that's a goodanswer, but that's not the answer I am looking for.''Another young student raises his hand and says, ''I thinkAbraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because hefreed the slaves and helped end the civil war.'' ... ''Well, that'sanother good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.''Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, ''I thinkJesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.'' Theteacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. ''Yes!'' she says,''that's the answer I was looking for.'' She then brings him up tothe front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as heis licking his lollipop. He says, ''Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?''The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, ''I know it'sMoses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business.''

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle EastAKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. Regards, MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca BCSC / DNS