Newest jokes

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with atribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write andgood Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil ofsexual sin. ?Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!?One day the wife of one of the Tribe?s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with themissionary.You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman givesbirth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot inour village. Anyone can see what?s going on here!?The missionary replies, ?No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What youhave here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thyyonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one blackone. Nature does this on occasion.?The chief pauses for a moment then says, ?Tell you what, you don?t sayanything about the sheep, I won?t say anything about the white baby.?

Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________Address (where you live):Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________Birthdate(yours):____________________Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does ''previous'' mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( ) Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( ) Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan( ) Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( ) Inhaled( )Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________

State of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple,

went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They

overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy

realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting
to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her
husband and
whispered, ''Whistle and let that young couple know that
someone can
hear them.''

Murphy said, ''Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody
whistled to warn
me.''

''And how's yer wife, Pat?''

''Sure,
she do be awful sick.''

''Is ut dangerous she is?''

''No,
she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!''

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a
successful New York
contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten
Island Ferry when a car got
loose and sent him into the river where
he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in
deepest black, was
standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving
condolences and
enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of
the contractor came up.

''I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble,''
offered the friend. ''Did Mike
leave you well fixed?''

''Oh, he
did!'' she said. ''He left me almost a half million dollars.''


''Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.''


''Nor swim either,'' added the widow.

A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he's finished.

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.''So vat's the problem?'' Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. ''Perhaps nothing,'' he said, ''but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2.''Greenberg looked embarrassed. ''I'm sorry about making trouble,'' he said, ''but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!''

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?Most satisfactory!

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeingtour with a very rich African king who was a very importantclient. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretaryis quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way todissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, ''I will only marry youunder three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-caratdiamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.''The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, ''Noproblem!! I have. I have.''Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, ''Iwant you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, Iwant a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.''The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone andcalls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nodshis head and says, ''Okay, okay. I build. I build.'' Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows thatshe'd better make this a good one. She takes her time tothink and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squintsher eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, ''Since I like sex, Iwant the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.''The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and restshis elbows on the table, all the while muttering in Africandialect.Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, lookingreally sad, and says to the woman, ''Okay, okay. I cut. Icut.''

Two deaf
people get married. During the
first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off
the
lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
''Honey,'' she signs, ''Why don't we agree
on some
simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me,

reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to

have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'' The
husband
thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
''Great idea, Now if
you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and
pull on my penis one time. If
you
don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis......fifty
times''

A husband and wife love to golf together, but
neither of
them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to
take private lessons.The husband
has
his lesson first. After the
pro sees his swing, he says, ''No, no,
no,''
you're gripping the
club way too hard!'' ''Well, what should
I do?'' asks the man. ''Hold
the club gently,'' the pro replied, ''just
like
you'd hold your
wife's breast.''The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and

WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes

back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her

lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her
swing and
says, ''No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard.'' ''What
can I do?''
asks the wife.''Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your
husband's penis.'' The wife listens
carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing,
and THUMP. The
ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
''That was
great,''the pro says. ''Now, take the club out of your mouth
and

swing the club like you're supposed to!'' says the pro.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along
a
country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig,
killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the
owners what
had happened. About one hour
later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the
car with a bottle
of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes
all
ripped and torn.
''What happened to you?'' asked Bill.

''Well,
the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.''

''My God, what
did you tell them?'' asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ''I'm Bill
Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig.''

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek
they decided to bet
it's other
100 euros who is going to make
their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with
their wives so they make them
scream.
The next day the
meet.

The Italian says, ''I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was

screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours.''

The German says,
''That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was
screaming the whole time and half hour
after that.''

The Greek
says, '' That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten

minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still

screaming.''

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and

asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, ''We
have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a
little
clue.''

The woman said, ''My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that

if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his
grave.''

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. ''Take her to Turning

Walter!''

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, ''Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.''''The gatekeeper replied, ''First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?''

Language Trends of the FutureThere are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and inall likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in thefuture.In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. Allconsonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leavingonly an extended ''Eauuuuuuuuuuuu...'' Meaning will be inferred fromfacial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrateto Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all othervocabularies, but the spelling will be original.Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all otheralphabets in the world.The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latinalphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translatingRussian into Polish.Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plusa verb at the end, of course.[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4 MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot SAR SAR SAR SAR CM Wangs CM BDI's CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice

Application to Live in KentuckyName:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________Mamma:_________________________Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________Truck equipped with:____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting RifleNumber of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____BUMPER STICKERS:____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle AssociationDefine the following (must be 90% correct):1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. ChitlinsFavorite Vocalist:____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car WillieFavorite Recreation:____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____OtherName of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____DukeName of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____DaisyWeapons Owned:___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry SwitchNumber of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird DawgCap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear ___N.R.A. ___Redman ____KodiakNumber of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________Memberships:___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy___John Birch SocietyLength of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color ofPrimer Red? ___Yes ___NoHow many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________Are you married to any of the following:____Sister ____Cousin ____SowDo you know her name?________________Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________If so, why?______________________________________________________________Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ To 21 with your fly up?_____________________Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________Medical Information:Do you have at least two of the following:___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___ChafingIF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BEELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARESLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his wife, ''Thank God ! No more of those freezing Russian winters.''