Newest jokes

Q: Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?A: Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?Well Hung.

There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist, ''Do you have anything to stop this coffin?''

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: ''How many times have you cheated on your wife?'' The first one answers ''Never!'' St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers ''Oh, about 25-30 times.'' He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers ''Maybe 400-500 times'' and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to ''why the sad face?''.Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, ''I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!''

If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, ''Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary'', and Bill Clinton replies... ''Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!''

I will not waste chalk... I will not skateboard in the halls... I will not burp in class... I will not draw naked ladies in class... I did not see Elvis... I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes'... Garlic gum is not funny... They are laughing at me, not with me... I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom... I will not encourage others to fly... I will not fake my way through life... Tar is not a plaything... I will not Xerox my butt... I will not trade pants with others... I will not do that thing with my tongue... I will not drive the principal's car... I will not pledge allegiance to Bart... I will not sell school property... I will not instigate revolution...

One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
''the leaves on the trees are absolutely green'' the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
'' well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!''

Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius Average American Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the

town's morals, publicly accused her
neighbor George of being an
alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked
outside the
town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said
nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all
night.

Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay
bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories,
but when it comes time to use them
the young
man is afraid he
will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and
looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All
of
a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.

''Oh,
stop it,'' the young man scolds his organ, ''it's only
me.''

A salesman was testifying in
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. ''Please
describe,'' said his attorney,
''the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity.''

''Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week,'' the man testified.
''So naturally
when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife.'' ''One Sunday morning,''
he continued,
''we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,

''Well, how was it?''
The woman says, ''You can have any prize

A murderer,
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, ''Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!''

''Darling,'' the wife said, spitting out her gag.
''I'm so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom.''

Once upon a time, a guy was
sitting at a
bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar
tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of
adoring
women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of
curious about a little
man that
would jump from the rich guy's
pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking
over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the
little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The
barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says,
''Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one
day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish
was to be fabulously wealthy.

Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.''
The barman
asks, ''So what about that little guy in your jacket?''
''Oh, tha
t,'' mumbles the rich guy. ''That's the twelve-inch prick I
wished
for.''

A little boy returning home from his first day
at
school said to his mother,
''Mom, what's sex?'' His mother, who
believed in all the most modern
educational
theories, gave him a
detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the

tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form
which
he had brought home from school and said, ''Yes, but how am I
going to
get all
that into this one little square?''

As a hooker
was dressing, she turned to her
customer and asked, ''Have you just
gotten out of
prison?''

''Yeah,'' the guy replied. ''How did you guess? Is it because I wanted
to
have sex
from the rear?''

''Partly.'' She said. ''But more
because when we finished, you ran
around in front
of me, bent over,
and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'''

An old man and his
wife lived deep in the
hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell
his goods and asked the man if he or
his wife
wanted to buy
something. ''Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down
to the
creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,'' said the man. The

peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man
wasn't
interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said,
''What's that?'' Before the peddler
could tell
him it was a mirror, the
old man picked it up and said, ''My God how'd
you get a
picture
of my Pappy?'' The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's

best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and
spoiled
his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad
at him for trading
her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn
behind some boxes of junk. He would
go out to
the barn 2 or 3
times a day to look at the ''picture'' and eventually
the wife
got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the
night,
she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the
boxes, picked it up and
said,

''so this is the hussy he's been
foolin' around with!''

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair
when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table.

Said the mysterious old woman, ''For fifteen dollars, I
can read your
love line and tell your romantic future.''

Paul readily agreed and
the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, ''I can see that
you have no
girlfriend.''

''That's true,'' said
Paul.

''Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?''

''Yes,''
Paul shamefully admitted. ''That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this
from my love line?''

''Love line? No, from the calluses and
blisters.''

The Smith's were proud of their family
tradition. Their
ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to
compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric
chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The
book appeared. It said, ''Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached
to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a
great shock.''