Newest jokes

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.She asks the boy, ''What are they doing?'' He says: ''They're making love.''''Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?'' She asked. ''Oh, uh, that's his rope,'' he answered.''Well, what are those two round things on the other end?'' she asked. He says, ''Those are his knots.'' She says, ''Oh, ok, I got it.''As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, ''I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.'' Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. ''Whoa, what are you doing?!'' he shouts.The girl innocently replies, ''I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!''

Q: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, ''Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!''

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.She says, ''Father, I never wear panties under my habit.''The priest chuckles and says, ''That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.''

It's
not true that married men live
longer than single men. It only seems
longer.

Four
married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following
conversation ensued:

First
Guy: ''Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint

every room in the house next weekend.''

Second Guy: ''That's
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for
the pool.''

Third Guy: ''Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that
I will remodel the kitchen for her.''

They
continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy

has not said a word. So they ask him. ''You haven't said anything about

what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's
the
deal?''

Fourth Guy: ''I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just say that the
foundation for the new house is being poured
next Tuesday.''

A
married couple was in a terrible
accident where the woman's face was
severely burned.

The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her
body,
so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However,
the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have
to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested
that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very
delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on
and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with
her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.


She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d
id for
me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''

''My
darling,'' he replied,'' think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it

is damned near impossible.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After

listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He

pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,

the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, ''Hey, do you

know
anything about skydiving?''

The other guy yells back,
''Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?''

Three guys are
drinking in a bar when a
drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, ''Your mom's the best sex
in town!''
Everyone expects
a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off
and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk

comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, ''I just did your mom,
and it was
sw-e-et!''
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and
the drunk goes back to the
far end
of the bar. Ten minutes
later, he comes back and announces, ''Your mom
liked it!''
Finally the
guy interrupts. ''Go home, Dad, you're drunk!''

The president got off the helicopter in

front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine
guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
''Nice pigs, sir''.
The president replied, ''These are
not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied,
''Nice trade, sir.''

A man wakes up early one morning and
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, ''You've got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I'll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.

Make up your mind before I get back.
''The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, ''Well what's it
gonna be?
''She say's,
''There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass
so I guess it's a blowjob.
''A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
''Jesus, you taste like shit.''''Oh yeah,''
he replies,
''The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either.''

On the first day
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
''The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50.''

He continued, ''Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?''

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, ''How
much
for a season pass?''

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was
Always.

What does a duck like to eat? A quacker!

''Bloody Stump'' by: Rusty Zipper''Sliding Down a Flagpole'' by: Dick Burns''Brown Spots on the Wall'' By: Whoflung Dung

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

Vito and VladimirThere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.Vladimir: ''Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?'' Vito: ''Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.''Vladimir : ''OK. It's a deal.''Vito: ''You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.''Vladimir : ''That's it? I can do that.''The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. ''It's working, he thought.'' But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.He rushed over to Vito and asked ''Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?''Vito: ''Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!''

''Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a

divorce?'' the solicitor questioned his client.

''Tell me about it.
Do you have a grudge?''

''Oh, no,'' replied Mrs. O'Connor. ''Shure
now, we have a carport.''

The solicitor tried again. ''Well, does
the man beat you up?''

''No, no,'' said Mrs. O'Connor, looking
puzzled. ''Oi'm always first
out of bed.''

Still hopeful, the
solicitor tried once again.

''What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have.''

''Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not
even a window box, let alone
grounds.''

''Mrs. O'Connor,''
the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
''you need a reason
that the court can consider.

''What is the reason for you seeking
this divorce?''

''Ah, well now,'' said the lady,

''Shure
it's because the man can't hold an intelligent
conversation.''