Newest jokes

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, ''51!!'' ''51!!'' The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast ''51''. This happens a few times.Finally, the bartender speaks up. ''Excuse me,'' He says, ''But why do you ladies keep doing that?'' ''Well,'' Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, ''We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!''

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes

during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After
a while the boy stops. ''You know we've been doing this for a few

weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way,'' he pleads.

''Well, maybe,'' she says, ''But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides

all those people at the field may hear us.'' The boy stops and says,

''Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop.
But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever
guess what
we're really doing.'' The girl agrees so they quickly
take off their
clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later
people watching the
game hear sounds echoing through the quiet
countryside so loudly that
the teams stop playing.
''Moooo ..... Moooooo
...... Moooooooon River .......!''

The kindergarten
class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and
relate it to the
class the next day. When the time came for the little
kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was
reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie

walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a

small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so
she
asked him just what that was. ''It's a period,'' reported
Johnnie.
''Well I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about
a
period.'' ''Damned if I know,'' said Johnnie, ''but this morning my
sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the
man next door shot himself.''

A woman walks into her accountant's office and
tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
''Before we
begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'' He gets her name,

address, social security number, etc. and then asks, ''What is your

occupation?'' The woman replies, ''I'm a whore.'' The accountant balks and

says, ''No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's

try to rephrase that.'' The woman, ''OK, I'm a prostitute.''. ''No,

that is still too crude. Try again.'' They both think for a minute,
then
the woman states, ''I'm a chicken farmer.'' The accountant asks,

''What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a

prostitute?''. ''Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.''

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife
turns over and says ''I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'' The
husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in
her ear, ''Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?''

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick.

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill ''You have one wish.''Bill Clinton cried ''But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!'' ''Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you,'' replied the Genie.Bill Clinton thought hard and said ''Bring peace to the middle east.'' He took out a map to show the Genie.The genie said ''Nope. Can't do that choose another wish.'' This next wish came up right away.''I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do'' The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly ''Um...can I take a look at that map again?''

One day there were
two boys playing by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went
over to it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden
the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught

up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, ''My

mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I
felt
something getting hard, so I ran.''

A man walked into an appliance store and asked

the price of a 25'' remote controlled color television set. ''One

dollar,'' the clerk replied. ''You've got to be kidding.'' ''Look, Mac,''
the
clerk said, ''do you want it or not?'' Of course, the customer
gave him
a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the
suctomer saw
a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
''How much for
that?'' he asked the clerk. ''Fifty cents,'' came the
reply. The
customer forked over the half dollar, saying, ''What the
heck is going on
here?'' ''Nothing is goining on here,'' the clerk
snapped. ''But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing
to her, I'm doing to
his business.''

A girl
brings a guy home one night. They get
into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do ''69''.
''What the hell is that?'' asks the guy.
Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,''I put my head
between your legs and you
put your head between mine.'' Still not knowing
what she's talking
about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees
to try it. The
second they get in to the position, she lets go a
rip-roaring fart.
''What was that for?'' he asks. ''Oops! Sorry, lets try it
again.'' she
says. So, they get into position again, and once more she
lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. ''Wait,
where
are you going?'' she asks. The guy says, '' If you think I'm

sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet
arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It's not a roll, it's a
bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It's not a bun, it's a bap.
-
Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain
in the neck! You can't
even make up your mind!

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river

and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey
pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys,
just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the
crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in
his place.
Winnie, inhaling,
is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a

crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

A man goes to the doctor and says, ''Doc, you

have to help me!''
The doctor asks, ''What's your problem?''
The
guy says, ''Every morning I wake up with my 'morning

flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I

carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw.......''
''So...????'' asked the doctor. ''What's your
problem???''
The guy says, ''Well, it hurts when I masturbate!''

An American tourist went into
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.

''Senor, these are the cojones,'' the waiter
replied.

''The what, you say?'' exclaimed the
tourist.

''They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,''

explained the
waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: ''Today's cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday.''

''True, senor,'' agreed the
waiter. ''You see the bull, he does not
always lose.''

A guy gets home early from work and hears

strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his
wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?'
he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the
woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling.
his
four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no
clothes
on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past

his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure
enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe
floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a
heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!'

What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?Locking the car doors!

Why are sheep always in a field? Because they can't get out !Who gives my cat his Christmas presents? Santa Paws!Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents? Santa Claws!What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while i go ahead!Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!What did mary say to santa during the storm? Look at that rain, dear!Where do plumbers buy there presents? Bath!Why is it best to park your car near the moon? Because there is a lot of space!What is the use of reindeer? It makes the garden grow sweetie!How many legs does rudolph have? Four? No, six. - he's got forelegs and two back legs!What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini? Squash!Why did the reindeer take his nose apart? To see what made it run!What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail? Reg!Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer? No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deerWhy do reindeers have wrinkled ankles? Because they lace there boot too tight!What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas? A herring aid!Whats the worst thing to get for christmas? Measles!Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present? Leeds!Where does noddy do his christmas shopping? Redcar!Where does the queen do her christmas shopping? Newcastle!What happens if you get too hot at a football match? Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?To play his WhoreMonica

A couple just got married, and when the husband
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.

She
replied:
''These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week.''
The husband answered:
''But it's only been two days what
do u mean a week?''

''I am only here to get something to eat.''

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, ''All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?''Everyone is understandably silent.He then, chugs back another beer and says, ''All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?''Everyone is silent, again.Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.''You got a problem, buddy?'' No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!''