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From David LettermanTop Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.6. You thought ''Chicago Hope'' was going to be a hit.5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called ''flu-proof socks''.3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

One woman says to another, ''I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!''The other woman replies with a smile, ''Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!''

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.The undertaker said, ''But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.''The lady said, ''Who's paying for this?''Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.The funeral director said, ''Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!''

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.''What's it cure?'' asks a member of the audience. ''Nothing we don't already have a drug for,'' the internist replies. ''Well, what's so miraculous about it?''''One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!''

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, ''Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.''The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.''When you get to the part about calling a doctor,'' she said, ''I'm already here!''

After making love, the woman said the man, ''So, you're a doctor?''''That's right,'' replied the doctor smugly. ''Betcha don't know what kind of doctor.''''Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist.'' ''Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?'' asked the guy.''Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.''

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, ''I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.''The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.This time he whispers in her ear, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?.''

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom ''Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality'' July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he ''needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles.'' The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin.After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, ''Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck,'' and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, ''Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck.'' He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, ''Go see if that was a duck.''

A man is talking to the family doctor. ''Doc, I think my wife's going deaf.'' The doctor answers, ''Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.''The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, ''Honey, what's for dinner?'' He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.''Honey, what's for dinner?'' Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.Finally, she answers, ''For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!''

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?A hematologist pricks your finger.

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.The lawyer says, ''For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.The doctor says, ''It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.The mathematician says, ''You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: ''Name the three best advantages of mother's milk.''The student immediately writes, ''One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections.''But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, ''Three: It comes in such nice containers.''

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?Pull down their genes!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, ''My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!''''Is this her first child?'' the doctor queries.''No, you idiot!'' the man shouts. ''This is her husband!''

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. ''You only have six months to live.''The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, ''There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist.''The doctor asks,''You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?''The man says, ''Better one of them should die than one of us!''

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline ''United States''''Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writerWashington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries.''Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly.'' he said.