HoUM
0101.sk

Náhodný vtip

Pan profesor, je to pravda, ze bijete svoju zenu? "To nie je pravda! Este nie som profesor!"

viac vtipov viac vtipov

Newest jokes

search Search for your joke
Jokes found: 8543

Why do men
masturbate?
It's sex with
someone they love.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, ''Always''. ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell ''MOVIE!'' in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Golf GenieA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, ''Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.''The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, ''I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.''They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, ''Come on in.'' They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, ''Are you the people that broke my window?''''Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.'' the husband replied.''No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.''''OK, great!'' the husband said. '' I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'' ''No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?'' the genie said, looking at the wife. ''I want a house in every country of the world,'' she said. ''Consider it done.'' the genie replied.''And what's your wish, genie?'', the husband said. ''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.''The husband looks at the wife and said, ''Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.'' The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, ''How old is your husband, anyway?'' ''35.'' she replied.''And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . .''you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever'' OR. . .''yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with ''us''!!)6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase ''WHAT a WASTE!!!'' comes in handy!!9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)26. They can make great sex partners (''CAN'' is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet ''I love you Princess'' is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Yo' mama's so fat when she get's out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...10. She's a goblin!9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,2. You scared me stiff!1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2) Less guilt the morning after.1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: ''He must be mad at me.'' Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. (WHAT????LOL..DD) Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks. You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, ''So, notice anything different?'' You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can ''do'' your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Noah's Ark...If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.'' And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, ''Okay,'' said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.''Six months and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.'' Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. ''Noah!'' shouted the Lord, ''where is the Ark?''''Lord, please forgive me!'' begged Noah. ''I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.''''Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.''''The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.''''They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire.''''The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, ''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked hopefully.''No,'' said the Lord sadly. ''The government already has!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What did one saggy boob say to the other

saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to
think we're
nuts.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
''I
don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I
don't know how big this thing gets!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him arepeeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing outthe other fans.The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where hisgrotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the manin the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.The man answers, ''Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.''The leper sits down and adds, ''As you can see, I have leprosy. Ifit disturbs you, I will move.''''It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.''A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, ''Thank you for allowingme to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has causedyou to get sick. I will find another place to sit.''''It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.''So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, ''Thank you for allowingme to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has causedyou to get sick. I will find another place to sit.''''Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.''So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.But the man insists, ''Really, it's NOT you.''So the leper asks, ''Well if it's not me that is making you so sick,that what is it?''''It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Stages of LifeTHE MALE STAGES OF LIFEAGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 MaaloxAGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 nappingAGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 ''tongue'' 25 ''breakfast'' 35 ''She didn't set back my therapy.'' 48 ''I didn't have to meet her kids.'' 66 ''Got home alive.''AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveAGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 ''Split the check before we go back to my place'' 35 ''Just come over.'' 48 ''Just come over and cook.'' 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Some fun rules1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ''Where the heck is the ceiling?!''12. My Reality Check bounced.13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.And,18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

How many
men does it take to put the toilet
seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

How do you know you're leading a sad
life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, ''Let's just be friends.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Are birth
control pills deductible?
Only
if they don't work.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's

little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, ''What is that

between your legs?'' He replied that is ''my bird.'' He went back to
sleep.
She came back later and said, ''What's that furry stuff around
your
bird?'' He replied that's ''my nest.'' So he went back to sleep.
She came
back later. ''What's those two things under it?'' He said
those are
''the eggs.'' She said, ''Okay, can I play with your bird,and
he said
''ok.'' When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the
hospital. He
saw the little girl and asked, ''what happened?'' She
said, ''When I
was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I
chopped off his head,
burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

0101.sk

© 2009-2013 Act of Light, All Rights Reserved.