Newest jokes

What are
the two greatest lies?
''The
check is in the mail,'' and ''I promise I won't cum in your
mouth.''

How did Dairy Queen get
pregnant?
Burger
King didn't cover his Whopper.

What's organic dental floss?
Pubic hair!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?A wonkey!

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.''I'm going to have a boy!'' she declared. ''The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.''When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. ''I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.''Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was ''I'm going to have a puppy!''

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.''Man! commented one... it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!''The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. ''Well, he said at last... you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way.''''Great idea!'' commented the other. ''stop and let me switch.''The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.''There! he said when he had completed the switch. ''I feel better already.''The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out ''Is anybody hurt?''One guy from the crowd replied ''Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.''

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla ''How do you spell 'dumb'?''Darla says ''d-u-m-b, dumb''. The teacher says, ''very good, now use it in a sentence.'' She says ''Buckwheat is dumb''Now spell ''stupid''. Darla says ''s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid''. The teacher says,''very good, now use it in a sentence.'' Darla says ''Buckwheat is stupid.''Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says ''Buckwheat, spell dictate.''Buckwheat stands and says ''d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate''. The teacher says, ''very good, now use it in a sentence.''''I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!''

Why did the condom
cross the
road?
Because it was pissed off.

What does KFC and a woman have in
common?
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a

greasy box to put your bone in.

What did the egg say to the boiling
water?
''It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last

night.''

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's
batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Temperatures60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?A: A flat minor!

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighborDecember 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8'' last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruelDecenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.December 23rd Only 2'' of snow today. And it warmed up to0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts?> Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.December 24th 6''. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch ''It's A Wonderful Life'' one more time, I'm going to kill herDecember 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9'' predicted.December 31stSet fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

Why Beer is Better than Women1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

Feel Free to Cut and PasteThe Mr. Right Rejection Letter FormDear [____rejectee's name here_____],I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:[Check all those that apply]___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.___ Your inadvertent admission that you ''buy condoms bythetruckload'' indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.___ Your ''Putting on a few, aren't you babe?'' comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.___ You failed the credit check.___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___ The phrase ''My Mother'' has popped up far too often in conversation.___ You still live with your parents.___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.___ Three words: Size does matter.Sincerely,[Your name here]

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?A: 30 - 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

1. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.2. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.A bird dog could be called a point setter.James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It's a matter of a pinion!It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____6. When the salt and the pepper say ''Hi!'' to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____.14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.Answers1. Christmas Eve2. Christmas Present3. North Poll4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.5. Noel,(no L)6. seasons' greetings.7. St. Nickleless.8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!9. silent knight10. sandy claws11. Christmas cards12. cresh13. Christmas Carols14. Fleece Navidad!

What did the
hurricane say to the coconut
tree?
Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!