Newest jokes

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable
bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
battle, in the line of
fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead
soldier. In a hail of
bullets, he dove back to
safety.

''Private,'' the officer said, ''I'm recommending you for a medal. You

risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses.''

''Warehouses?'' the private shouted. ''I thought you said

whorehouses!''

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The
first Marine asked the second Marine, ''If they were to drop a
bomb right
now, what would be the first thing you would
do?''

The second Marine said, ''I would screw the first thing that moved.

What would you do?''

The first Marine replied, ''I would stand
very still for half an
hour.''

What did
the egg say to the boiling
water?
''How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute

ago.''

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her ''Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?'', and she said ''Well, close but no cigar.''

Why don't
women blink during
foreplay?
They don't have time.

What's the difference between a rooster and a

hooker?
a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock
will do.

Why
did the former porn actor get fired from
his job as a gas station
attendant?
Right before the tanks were
full, he would pull out the nozzle and
spray gas all over the
car.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no
big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snow blower coming.

What is it when a man talks dirty to
a
woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a
man?
$3.99 a minute.

What are three words you dread the most while

making love?
''Honey, I'm home.''

Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes
it off, you wonder where her tits went.

What's the difference between a penis and a
bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Why are electric trains like a
mother's
breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers
who are
always playing with them.

What is the difference between a frog and a
horny
toad?
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it,
rub-it!

What do a
pizza delivery man and a
gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat
it.

What is the difference
between a drug pusher
and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it
again.

What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
A
submarine!

What's so bad about being a dick?
Your
closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you
in a
plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.