Newest jokes

Knock Knock Who's there?BiggishBiggish who?No Thank you!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, ''Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!''The room really got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.''Yes?'' replied the teacher.''Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?''

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, ''Well, it looks plastic.'' Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, ''But it feels like rubber.''Curious, the attorney asked, ''What do you have there?''The drunk replied, ''I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.''The attorney responded, ''Let me take a look.''So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. ''Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?''The drunk replied, ''Out of my nose!''

Q. What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A. A milk shake!

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.The guy replies sarcastically, ''Yes. However did you guess?''The girl replies: ''Simple...You are one ugly bastard!''

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, ''All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.''The mother went into the living room and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.''Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, ''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!''

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, ''Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.''The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.''I'll give you a hint,'' said the teacher. ''It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.''Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,''Spit 'em out, they're assholes!''

Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented AreDementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For ChristmasNarcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No ExpensesBorderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open FireParanoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get MePersonality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You WhyDepression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty LonelyObsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?White-out on the screen!How can you tell she's made the corrections?She wrote over the white out!

A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!

Random Thoughts:When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.War decides not who is right, but who is left.

''Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.''If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with

a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the

counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, ''Well,
my pet
chicken, of course!'' ''I'm sorry,'' The girl tells him. ''We
can't
allow animals in the cinema.'' The man goes around the corner
and stuffs
the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window,
buys his
ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts
to get hot and
begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so
the chicken can stick
it's head out and watch the film. Seated
next to him is a woman. She
looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and
whispers, ''Agnes, this man over here
has just unzipped his trousers!''
Agnes whispers back, ''Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all.'' Madge
says, ''I KNOW...but this one's eating my
POPCORN!!''

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him. ''What's this ?'' he asks. The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

Bridegroom: ''Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?''Bride: ''But darling, we are alone, aren't we?'' Bridegrom: ''What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?'' Bride: ''MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!''

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. ''Set up everybody in the place!'' he shouts. The bartender obliges.Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says ''just set everybody up again.'' Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.Bartender says ''explain yourself, or leave.''Guy says ''Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!''''Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!''

Q: Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown? A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.''I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge,'' the brunette said to the blonde. ''Okay, it's a bet.'' A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars. ''I can't take it.'' ''You have to, it was a bet.'' ''I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then.'' The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.And the blonde said... ''Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!''

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're
masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you
have to turn around.