Newest jokes

If IBM made toasters ...They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Microsoft made toasters ...Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters ...It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. If Xerox made toasters ...You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters ...The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters ...They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters ...The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If Sony made toasters ...The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Fisher Price made toasters ...''Baby's First Toaster'' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, ''Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?Other guy: ''Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh.' And then she socked me one.''First guy: ''Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.' But I accidentally said:'You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!'''

What's invisible & smells like carrots?Bunny Farts!

Q: What's the definition of strain?A: Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

What have an apple and an orange got in common?Neither of them can drive a tractor!

Children's worst book titles!You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry You Are Different and That's Bad Dad's New Wife Gerald Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says ''sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.'' The man says, ''No problem. I'm from Chicago.''So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. ''No problem...just like Chicago in June,'' the man says.So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.''No problem. Just like Chicago in July,'' the man says.So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, ''no problem. Just like Chicago in August.''Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.To which the Chicago man replies.....''THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!''''THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!''

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be AssimilatedThe more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Q: How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb ?A: They can't sing, they can't dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command And waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. ''Save!'' I said, ''You cursed mother! Save my data from before!'' One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From ''Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?''With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim, they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''I tried to catch the chips off-guard -- I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes. What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, ''Abort, Retry, Ignore?''

Q: Why did the blond jump off the bridge?A: To see if her maxipad really had wings..

Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.The reverand says ''I should go! everybody needs religion!'' they agree and he jumps.Another guy says ''I'm the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!'' so he jumps.The old guy says to the hipee ''I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump.''But the hipee replies ''Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!''

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. Whilepumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgotabout it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gason his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was wavinghis arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

What kind of ear does a train have?an Engineer

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.They've been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green. Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green. Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap. A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old man's card. ''Alright Dad, stop showing off''!

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says, ''Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?'' He said, ''I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.'' She smiled at him and said, ''So what are you thinking now?''He said, ''I think I did a pretty good job!''

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?I love every bone in your body - especially mine.You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.Guy: ''Haven't I seen you someplace before?'' Girl: ''Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.''

Why is the White House called the White House?Answer: Sperm ain't purple!

Why did the boy take a ladder to school?It was a high school.

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.''Louise,'' he moaned, ''tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?''''Even worse,'' she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.''You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.''''He's an asshole - piss on him!''''You did,'' Louise informed him. ''And he fired you.''''Well, screw him!'' said John.''I did. You're back at work on Monday!''