Newest jokes

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, ''Halt, who goes there?''The chauffeur, a corporal, says, ''General Wheeler.''''I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.''The general said, ''Drive on!''The sentry said, ''Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.''The general repeated, ''I'm telling you, son, drive on!''The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, ''General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?''

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?A good start!

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, ''Wanted FBI agents.'' After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, ''We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.'' The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. ''Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.''The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. ''I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!''The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. ''I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy,'' he replies.The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. ''Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife,'' FBI agent says, calmly.The man than replies, ''I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important.''The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.''What did you do?''The man calmly replies, ''The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!''

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?A. It doesn't last long enough!

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, ''I believe it's snowing''. ''No, it looks too wet to be snow,'' he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: ''Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!''

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, ''Dream on, Chester!''9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed5. Instead of ''naughty'' or ''nice,'' Santa has him on the ''dork'' list4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, ''Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!''2. Labels on all your kid's toys read ''Straight from Craptown''1. Four words: ''Off my lap, Tubby!''

Dear Santa: We're worried about you.From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have ''a clear-cut case of rosacea,'' a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your ''cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.''Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern.A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes ''like a bowlful of jelly'' when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said ''the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.'' According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotionsl hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark ''Ho, ho, ho'' -- is one of the best stress-busters.SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com.We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMI A: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, don't you?SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. ''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!''''I see millions of stars,'' Watson said. ''What does that tell you?'' Holmes asked.Watson replied. ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?''''Watson, you idiot,'' he said. ''Someone has stolen our tent!''

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.Johnny goes to his mother and demands, ''Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!'' To this his mother replies, ''Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.''Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... ''No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying.'' So he tears up this letter and starts again.Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... ''No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying.'' So he tears up this letter and starts again.Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: ''WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!''But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: ''A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!''

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.Microsoft stated its commitment to ''all who have made Christmas great,'' and vowed to ''make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.'' It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked ''Why buy Christmas?'' Bill Gates replied ''Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office97.''In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, ''The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year.'' She continued, ''our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas96. It will be bigger and better than last year.'' She further elaborated that ''Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first.''Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. ''But it could be good in the long term,'' he explained. ''With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.''When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that ''Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,'' suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was ''sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature.'' Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of3.5 children per household, that's91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer'' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide9. Salesman's opening line: ''You're not a cop, are you?''8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride6. Each branch has ''Duraflame'' printed on it5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list4. It's very small and says ''Air Freshener'' on it3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it 1. Constantly bragging about its ''trunk size''

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.Standing there was a little angel who said, ''Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?'' Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.3. You see something funny and scream, ''LOL, LOL.''4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.8. Tech support calls YOU for help.9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can ''hang out.''10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.12. You say ''he he he he'' or ''heh heh heh'' instead of laughing.13. You say ''SCROLL UP'' when someone asks what it was you said.14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.17. You start to experience ''withdrawal'' after not being online for awhile. 18. You say.......''Where did the time go??''19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... ''BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL...ASAP''.24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.26. You're on the phone and say ''BRB''.27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, ''Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?''The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. ''You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!''The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, ''Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal.''The hobo was ecstatic! ''Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!'' So the owner said, ''OK, go around back. You'll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you'll have a meal.'' The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. ''Now don't you feel better,'' he said. ''Yes!'' said the hobo. ''I'm a new man!''''OK,'' said the owner, ''come in and have some lunch.'' The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, ''Oh, by the way, that wasn't a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari.''

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.''Good lord, mister,'' he gasped, ''are you drunk?''''Of course,'' said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. ''What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!''

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.''Certainly, sir'' said the lady behind the counter, ''shall I put them on your bill?''''NO WAY!'' replied Donald Duck, ''What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!''

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph ''a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load'' was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary:- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (''thirteen lawyers-a-suing'') action is pending.Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.*Happy Holidays!*