Newest jokes

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a ''Beep..Beep..Beep'' and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said ''Look out dad she's backing up!''

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?A liquor cabinet.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said, ''You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.'' The second one said, ''No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.''The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, ''Now THAT'S a good date!!''

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, ''I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.''Sally replied, ''I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.''

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.The man says ''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?''' ''But why?'' asks the man. ''I'm a divorce lawyer,'' the man replies!

Seen in a bar near here: ''We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!''

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, ''Leroy''. ''Yes'', she replied, ''All three sons are named Leroy.''''Why would you do that?'', inquired the government worker.''It makes it much easier to get things done.'', was her reply. ''Leroy, time for bath.'' And they all would get in the bath. ''Leroy, time for supper.'' And they all would come to the table.Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.''Oh that's easy'', she replied. ''I just call them by their last name.''

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, ''Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!''The panda yells back at the bartender, ''Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!''The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: ''A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves''.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.''Well,'' says the doctor, ''I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.''''Oh, no.'' the woman replies. ''I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back.''The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, ''There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.''''That's what I want!'' exclaims the lady. ''Let's do that.'' Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.''Well, how's the procedure holding up?'' the doctor asks. ''Terrible!'' the lady bellows. ''It's the worst mistake I've ever made.''''What's wrong?'' asks the doctor. ''Just look at these bags under my eyes!'' she hollers.''Lady,'' the doctor reports, ''those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!''

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says ''Say No to Crack'' and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - ''Millennia Year Application Software System'' (MYASS).Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: ''I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before.'' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, ''here, stick this in MYASS.'' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, ''Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.''

The Perfect Woman would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.12. I'll be out painting the house.13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.17. Your mother did a great job raising you.18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or8.23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

How can you tell a blonde is under stress?She's got her tampax behind one ear and she can't find her pen!

Your mamma's so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell ''TAXI!''

Why does Clinton play the saxophone?'Cause he can no longer play with his 'hore-monica!

Clarification Of Corporate LingoEmployer's Lingo:''COMPETITIVE SALARY'' We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.''JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM'' We have no time to train you.''CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE'' We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.''MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED'' You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.''SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED'' Some time each night and some time each weekend.''DUTIES WILL VARY'' Anyone in the office can boss you around.''MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL'' We have no quality control.''CAREER-MINDED'' Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).''APPLY IN PERSON'' If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.''NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE'' We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.''SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE'' You'll need it to replace three people who just left.''PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST'' You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.''REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS'' You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.''GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS'' Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.Employee's Lingo:''I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:'' I've used Microsoft Office.''I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE'' I pilfer office supplies.''MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES'' I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.''I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK'' I blame others for my mistakes.''I'M PERSONABLE'' I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.''I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL'' I carry a Day-Timer.''I AM ADAPTABLE'' I've changed jobs a lot.''I AM ON THE GO'' I'm never at my desk.''I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED'' The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

What's the difference between greeting royalty and greeting President Clinton? You only go down on one knee to greet royalty!

How to Annoy People at Work1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inchpaper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)Duringmeetings, disassemble your pen and ''accidentaly'' flip the cartridgeacross the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYSTYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field ofall your checks, write ''for sensual massage.'' 10)Ask your co-workersmysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''

TRAFFIC JAM A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, ''Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.''He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, ''Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?''The Officer replies, ''The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him''.''Oh really? How much have you collected so far?'' ''I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.''