Newest jokes

Why did the gum cross the road? -it was stuck to the chickens foot!

It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in hisOWN pockets.

Q. What does a black boy get for Christmas? A. Your Bike.

Q. What does a sign on a whorehouse say in the middle of the day?A. Beat it - we're closed.

A husband and wife enter a dentist`s office. The Wife says, ''I want atooth pulled. I don`t want gas or novocain because I`m in a terriblehurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.''''You`re a brave woman,'' says the dentist, ''Now, show me which tooth itis.''The wife turns to her husband and says ''Open your mouth and show thedentist which tooth it is, dear.''

Q.Why is there only one Yogi Bear?A. Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one dayjust talking about the business. The youngest one complained, ''Youknow Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! Idon't think I can stay in business at those prices.''Her Mom thinks for a while and says, ''Well dear, in my day we wouldgive a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky toget that!''Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, ''Theboth of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during thedepression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were justglad to get something warm in our stomachs!''

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - ''HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!'' The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!''The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over'') So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.The city boy regains his balance And studders ''Its my turn'' The famer looks at him and says - ''aw Hell, keep the damn duck!

A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, ''Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.''The woman says, ''No he didn't, he just walked in the door.''

She offered her honor, He honored her offer, And so all night long,it was on-her and off-er!

Q: Why were blondes created?A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.''This is your doctor,'' says the voice on the phone. ''We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.''G.A.S.H?'' replies the patient. ''What the hell is that?''''It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes,'' explains the doctor.''My gosh, Doc!'' screams the man in a panic, ''what are we going to do?''''Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread,'' says the doctor matter-of-factly.''Will that cure me?''''Well no,'' says the doctor, ''but it's the only food that will fit under the door.''

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.Olie replied, ''We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.'' This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. ''You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.''The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, ''We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, ''Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!''

Have you driven a Ford lately?Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.The doctor asked the man: ''What are you doing, walking the dog?''The man replied: ''Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.'' The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions...And the man said to his toothbrush: ''Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!''

Yo mama's so poor she wears her McDonald's uniform to churchYo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled ''Hey where'd grandma go?!?!?!''Yo mama's so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said ''Two trees to your left''Yo mama's so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, ''Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.The priest said: ''Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?'' ''Never Father, I'm Jewish.'' ''So then, why are you telling me?'' ''Because I'm telling everybody!''

How do you make a dead baby float?Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: ''Christian Horse for Sale.'' Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a ''test run.''The Pastor grabbed the reins. ''giddyap.'' The horse ignored him. ''no, no,'' counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, ''Praise the Lord!'' The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. ''He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's ''Amen.''The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, ''Praise the Lord,'' and went riding into the countryside.Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.The Pastor cried ''whoa!'' but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed ''AMEN!!!!!'' just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, ''PRAISE THE LORD!''

What do you call a witch at the beach? I don't know? A sand-witch!