Newest jokes

What will Bill Clinton be known for in history? The president after Bush!

Q:What do you get when a duck and a cow cross the road? A:Milk and Quackers

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?To find a tight Seal.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?A:10. 1 to release a beta version 1 to complete the documentation 1 to test for hardware compatibility 1 to deny tech support 1 to configure the TCP/IP 1 to check for y2k compliance 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder 1 to change the bulb. (That's nine because there's always one more thing you need.)

Great Thinkers of Our Time?Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: ''I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liveforever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not liveforever.''-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest''Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over theworld, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like thatbut not with all those flies and death and stuff.''-- Mariah Carey''Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discoveredother similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.''-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22''I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.''-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.''Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important partof your life.''-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign''I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.''-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward''Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime ratesin the country.''-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.''We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.''-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks''I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. Weare the president.''-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents''China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.''-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle''That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,and I'm just the one to do it.''-- A congressional candidate in Texas''When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riotsand the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who isto blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.''-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots''I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.''-- John Wayne''Half this game is ninety percent mental.''-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark''It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.''-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle''Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.''-- General William Westmoreland''It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.''-- Rev. Jesse Jackson''I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, exceptmaybe everyone else in America.''-- President William Jefferson Clinton''What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.''-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle''If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.''-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin''I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.''-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan QuayleAnd just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...

Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.The woman was like, they're old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2, ''How was your whore?''#2 said ''She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?''#1 goes ''She was a witch.'' #2 responds ''What do you mean a witch?''#1 says ''I bit her tit and she flew out the window!''

A patient says to his doctor, ''Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!''. Doctor says to patient, ''You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!''...next day...patient says, ''Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!''. Doctor says, ''Oh really? That's good to hear!''. ''Oh by the way, ''Patient says, ''You've got a great house!''

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.1.His Doctor2.His Priest3.His Lawyer''Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.''After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, ''I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.''The priest said, ''I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.''Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! ''I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!''

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck ''My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?''On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says ''Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!''

Help Wanted: Telepath.You know where to apply.

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, ''This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill''. The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. ''What's so funny?'' asks the clerk.''I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house'', the man replies.The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, ''Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.''The man takes another look through the scope and says, ''You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!''

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this ''Ladies NightClub.''One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.The ''dancer'' came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and putit on his butt cheek.Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She callsthe guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other buttcheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friendpulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now theattention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financialanalyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down thecrack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it.

How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, ''Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?''The third fellow says, ''I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.''The first two guys were amazed. ''Wow! What happened then?'' they asked.The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, ''She said, '''Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.''

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Yo' Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!I asked her what she was watching, and she said 'All My Children'