Newest jokes

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? - Mistle toe, of course!

Whats the square root of 69?ANSWER -- EIGHT something

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative executionONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time) When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say ''Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye'' To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, ''Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!'' Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, ''Sorry, I really prefer it this way'' Walk sideways to the photcopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors openTHREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, ''I like your style'' and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask ''Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it'' Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is countingFIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob' Announce to everyone in a meeting that you ''really have to go do number two'' After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, ''the report's on your desk, mon''. Keep this up for one hour While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, ''Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!'' At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce ''As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again''. In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: ''See how I look in tights'' Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask ''You wanna trade?'' Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now'' Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, ''I can' talk about it'' Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

Q: What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?A: Like, Not even!

What did the astronaut see in his skillet pan?An Unidentified Frying Object!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.'' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ''Car95'' or ''CarNT.'' But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ''general car default'' warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do? Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?A full set of teeth!

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming : ''My penis just died, my penis just died!''The nurses calm him down,and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him: ''I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?''Grandpa replies: ''Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!''

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;''Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.''''You fowl-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man, ''Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.The moral of the story is...When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.She told him - ''Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're18.''Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!So he goes up to his grandpa and says ''Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?'' His grandpa replies ''Yes Jimmy, I do.''Jimmy then says ''Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?''His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds ''Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.''

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first.' 'OK, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, whats the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out ''A priest, a priest please''.The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say ''Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help.''So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:''B1-I18-N44-G56-O75''

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.Which of the two will get there first?The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

Dung On MAI Shu------------I stepped in excrementAi Wan Tu Bang Yu---------Let's sleep togetherAi Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee tableFat Ho---------------------An unattractive womanAr U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greetingChin Tu Fat----------------You need a face liftChow Mai Dong-------------Romantic propositionDum Gai---------------------A stupid personWel Hung Gai----------------Is that a banana in your pocket?Won Hung Low-------------Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung GaiGun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese inventionHu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutiveJan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show hostKum Hia---------------------Approach meLao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's IslandLao Zi----------------------Not very goodLin Ching-------------------An illegal executionMoon Lan Ding-------------A great achievement of the American space programNe Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signsShai Gai--------------------A bashful personTai Ne Bae Be------------A premature infantTai Ne Po Ne--------------A small horseTen Ding Ba----------------Serving drinks to peopleWan Bum Lung-------------A person with T.B.Yu Mai Te Tan--------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with youWa Shing Kah---------------Cleaning an automobileWai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?Wai U Shao Ting----------There is no reason to raise your voice