Newest jokes

Yo Mama is so fat and old, when God said ''Let there be light'' he immediately said to her ''Get your fat ass out of the way.''

Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?Because she uses the other to moan.

Question: What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's?Answer: Microsoft Works!

Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ''Coolwip'' on the side..........you might be a RedneckIf your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ..........you might be a RedneckIf you think a ''courter horse'' is that ride in front of Kmart..........you might be a RedneckIf the biggest city you've ever been too is Walmart..........you might be a Redneck

Question: Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?Answer: You get mono from snatching a kiss....

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to ''I'm afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him, ''but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.''Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, ''Manicures 25 cents.'' ''Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.The next machine had a huge sign that read, ''This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.'' The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ''thing'' into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ''thingy''...Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge. Doctor: What's comes over you? Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

What do you call a masterbating bull? Beef strokin'off.

What do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beef.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was ''Always.''

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, ''There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.''''That doesn't matter,'' replied the blonde, ''if I only can sell the car.''''Okay,'' said the brunette. ''Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.''The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ''Did you sell your car?''''No,'' replied the blonde, ''why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!''

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts, 'WHOOOSSHHHHH....'No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts, 'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH........'Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH...'The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, ''STRAIGHT.''

Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldn't help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much. ''How did it get so big?'' he asked incredulously.''With magic,'' the man replied, ''I am a leprechaun.''Fred was amazed. ''Can you make mine that big?''The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor...to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood. ''How old are you boy?'' the man in green asked as he stood at the door.''Thirty. Why?''''You're thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?''