Newest jokes

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear God, Did you really mean ''do unto others as they do unto you''? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -BruceDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -DannyDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -LarryDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -SamDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -NanDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, ChrisDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience ''Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?'' and 5 people raise their hand.Then she asks ''Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?'' and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks ''Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?'' and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.So she goes up to this old man and says ''what was it like?'' and he said ''Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!'' and she asked ''Really?? So the ghost was good??'' and the old man said ''GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!''

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies -------------------------------------1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.3. Gun wounds again?4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!12. You daring lousy guy.13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ''Termination without Cause.''Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: ''Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?'' ''Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.''''What sort of trouble?'' ''Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.''''Went away?'' ''They disappeared.''''Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'' ''Nothing.''''Nothing?'' ''It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.''''Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'' ''How do I tell?''''Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?'' ''What's a sea-prompt?''''Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?'' ''There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.''''Does your monitor have a power indicator?'' ''What's a monitor?''''It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'' ''I don't know.''''Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'' ''Yes, I think so.''''Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. ''Yes, it is.''''When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'' ''No.''''Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'' ''Okay, here it is.''''Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'' ''I can't reach.''''Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?'' ''No''''Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'' ''Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.''''Dark?'' ''Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.''''Well, turn on the office light then.'' ''I can't.''''No? Why not?'' ''Because there's a power outage.''''A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?'' ''Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.''''Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.''''Really? Is it that bad?'' ''Yes, I'm afraid it is.'' ''Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'' ''Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!''

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Questions to Ponder about ViagraIf a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as ''assault with a dead weapon.''Viagra, medicine's version of ''MIRACLE-GRO.'' Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.**********************************************VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC ------------------------ WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented, ''There's no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We've got to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands,like President Clinton's, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.''

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ''I'm too young to die!'' she wails. Then she yells, ''well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??''For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.''I can make you feel like a woman,'' he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:''WOMAN - Iron this shirt!''

Tree 1 ''Hey look, Mother Nature's coming!''Tree 2 ''Look busy.''

Where does a 200 ton elephant sit?Anywhere he wants!

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says ''Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!''

What does ''WIFE'' stand for?Washing Ironing Food Entertainment

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?He didn't want to look down on the unemployed

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.Which one is the probably the smartest?If you guessed the blonde you were correct.... she's 19 years old!

Which day does a fish hate?Fryday

Whats the difference between light and hard???You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

What is the difference between pink and purple?The grip, man, its all in the grip!

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.''I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.''

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit(to do their little freaky thing).One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, ''Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!''

How many polish people does it take to milk a cow?9, four to hold the legs, four to hold the udders, and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.

A woman's three biggest lies...1-You're the Biggest. 2-You're the Best. 3-It doesn't always taste like that.