Newest jokes

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus' and the manner of conception.The first brunette says ''I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top.''The second brunette says ''I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom.''The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out ''Oh my god, I'm going to have a puppy''.

Q. Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife? A. No PUNCHLINE: Neither has he.

Why do blondes where underwear?To keep their ankles warm.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....''Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.'' ''Well, what's the difference between the two?'' Bill asks.God says, ''I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.'' ''Fine, but where should I go first?'' ''I'll leave that up to you.'' ''Okay, then,'' says Bill. ''Let me try Hell first.''So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. ''This is great!'' he tells God. ''If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!''''Fine,'' says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. ''Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,'' he tells God. ''Fine,'' replies God. ''As you desire.''So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.''How's everything going?'' he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ''This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?'' ''Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER.''

Q: The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?A: The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!

How do you spell relief?Answer: F A R T

One day a little old nun was going 35 miles an hour down the highway. The cop pulled her over because she was so slow and asked her why she didn't go any faster.She pointed at the sign that said highway 35 on it and said that was the speed limit. The cop corrected her and told her that it was highway35.The cop looked in the back and saw two scared nuns. He asked them what was wrong and they said, ''We just got off highway 130!''

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me5.The guy says ok.He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with4.He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with4.The guy hands him 5 dollars.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?Frost-bite!

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, ''Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.''So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, ''Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested.'' He replies, ''I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.'' ''Well,'' she says, ''maybe we can work something out.''So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....When they come out, she is breathless and says, ''Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck.''As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.She says to him, ''I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.'' She calls her friend and tells her, ''You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need.''What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, ''Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.'' Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, ''Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!''''Dad,'' he says, ''You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!''

One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said ''What was THAT?'' And the invisible man said ''I don't know... but my butt sure hurts.''

You Might Be A Redneck... ...If your dad walks u to school 'cause you're in the same grade! ...If u mow the grass and find the car! ...If someone comes to your house everyday thinking you're having a garage sale! ...If u sell the car 4 gas money!

How did the dairy queen get pregnant? The burger king showed her his whopper!!!

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?So the other one could drive.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

Q: Why did the Turtle cross the road? A: To get to the shell station.

One day a burnette and a blond lady were walking through the park. All-of-a-sudden, the burnette stops and says ''Awe, look at the poor dead birdy.'' The blond looks up and says ''Where!?''

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.No further testing is planned.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?He blew a hole in the toilet.