Newest jokes

1. You stand in ''line-ups'' at the movie, not lines.2. You're not offended by the term, ''Homo Milk''3. You understand the phrase, ''Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine''4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.5. You drink pop, not soda.6. You know what it means to be on pogey.7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean ''Party at the camp, eh!!''8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and ''taste like soap''.22. You know that Mounties ''don't always look like that''23. You read rather than scanned this list.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.''I'm afraid I don't have a husband'' she replies. ''O.K. do you have a boyfriend?'' asks the Midwife. ''No, no boyfriend either.''''Do you have a partner then?'' ''No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.''After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. ''You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black''''Well,'' replies the girl. ''I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.''''Oh, I'm very sorry,'' says the midwife, ''that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.''''Well yes,'' the girl again replies, ''you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?''''Oh, I'm sorry,'' the midwife repeats, ''that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.''''Well yes,'' continues the girl, ''I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.''At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, ''Thank God for that!'' ''What do you mean?'' says the midwife, shocked.''WHEW!'' says the girl extremely relieved... ''I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!''

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, ''Nothing but the best for my little kitten.''The girl at the cash register said, ''I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.''The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, ''No - you might have a snake in there.'' The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady, ''That smells like crap.'' The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, ''Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?''

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, ''I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'' ''About 35,'' was the reply. ''I'm actually 47,'' the woman said, feeling really happy.After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, ''Oh you look about 29?'' ''I am actually47.'' That made her feel really good.While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, ''I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.''As there was no one around, the woman thought, ''What the hell'', and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, ''Ok, You are 47.''Stunned the woman said, ''That was brilliant! How did you do that?''The old man replied, ''I was behind you in line at McDonalds!''

Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Did you hear?The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.The officer immediately asked him, ''Father, have you been drinking?'' ''No...'' replied Father.''Is that liquor in your bottle there Father?'' suggested the officer. ''No it's just water'' answered Father.The officer took it and smelled it. He then said ''Father this is wine.''Father then burst ''Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!''

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.The blonde was very upset as she screamed, ''This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!''

So I said ''Hey man, that's my beer.''Then he says, ''No man, that's my beer.'' Then the beers say, ''No man, we're our own beers.'' That's when we realized we had too many beers.

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter...He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test.''What is The Son Of God's name?'' he asks.She thinks for a minute, rubbing her chin in deep thought. ''Andy!'' She bursts out with a gleaming smile.''No, I'm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that?'' he asks.She starts singing... ''Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, andy tells me...''

Why God Doesn't Have a PhD:1. He has only one major publication.2. It was in Hebrew.3. It had no references.4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.13. Some say he had his son teach the class.14. He expelled his first two students for learning.15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test.16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

What's the difference between a duck?One of it's legs is both the same.(just say it to confuse people)

-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?-Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:''Husseinfeld'' ''Mad About Everything'' ''U.S. Military Secrets Revealed'' ''Suddenly Sanctions'' ''Allah McBeal'' ''Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest'' ''Matima Loves Chachi'' ''The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show'' ''Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs'' ''Wheel of Fortune and Terror'' ''Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers'' ''Achmed's Creek'' ''The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right'' M*U*S*T*A*S*H ''Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses'' ''Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque'' ''When Kurds Attack'' ''Just Shoot Me'' ''My Two Baghdads'' ''Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things'' ''Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah'' ''Totally Clothed Baywatch''

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:10: Awww...that's cute9. Well, at least you're good at other things8. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie® clothes?7. My li'l brother has one like that.6. Are you cold?5. ::giggles::4. Maybe we should just be friends3. Can you make it dance?2. Umm...maybe you should get dressed1. Oh...look...its hiding!

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender, ''Give me one with everything''.So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.The Buddhist says, ''Wait, where's my change?''The vender replies, ''Change must come from within''.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?a: What's a light bulb?

Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Denver and goes to the bartender, ''Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!''And the bartender is like ''Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!'' And the man is like ''But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!!See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!''And the bartender says ''Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!''And the man replies ''No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!''

A nude jogger was running past two old women.One had a stroke, the other missed!