Newest jokes

Q : What's the difference between Malaysia & the US?A : US's got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysia's got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!

PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN- It Still Does Nothing APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI- System Can't See It BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM- I Blame Microsoft CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW- World Wide Wait MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?SPARKY!!!

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.

Somewhere in America, next week...Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What's up, Dad?Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of ''scratch the car'', that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did ''I'' scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car? Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was ''Did I scratch the car?''. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of ''No'' when you asked ''Did I scratch the car'' was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.

How do blonde's braincells die??-Alone-

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?...Three in front and three in back...

There were two blonds on their way to Disney World.When they were getting close there was a sign that read, ''DISNEY WORLD LEFT,''So they turned around and went home.

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, ''Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?''The dad thinks for a second, ''Of course son, we're a family.''After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.''Hang on Dad!'' cries Mikey, ''This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!''

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.

''Outside a dog, a book is a great companion. Inside a dog, it's pretty dark!''

Your mamma's so fat, when she backs up, she beeps!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?A: A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.St. Peter said ''Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy!'' He smiled.''Well...if you must know...I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs...'' Dolly Parton said.''And I was going to the bathroom!'' Princess Diana said.''You may enter into Heaven...'' St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.''WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?!'' Dolly Parton asked.''Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind!'' St. Peter exclaimed.

Snappy answers to sappy questions:All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!Q: Dear Abby,What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!A: Have you tried a flyswatter?Q: Dear Abby,My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?A: Shut up and get back to work!Q: Dear Abby,My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?A: Get a new dad.Q: Dear Abby,Why are you so lazy?A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.Q: Dear Abby,Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?A: Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.She slowly spread her legs ... ''Honey would you like some of this?'' she asked enticingly. ''Hell no!'' he gasped, ''look what it's done to your underwear!''

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, ''You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?''She says, ''I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.'' She starts laughing and jumping again.He says, ''Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?''She says, ''Your name never came up!''

''I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love,'' the husband told the counselor.''Has she started to neglect you?'' ''Not at all,'' the dejected man replied. ''She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch.''''So what's the problem?''''Maybe I'm just being too sensitive,'' the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'''

How do you open a can of beer?That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!

Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!