Newest jokes

|A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says ''Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.'' The mexican man pleads with them, ''No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'' The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says ''Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence''. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, ''The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'' The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, ''Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?''

|For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.Harlez-vous fran硩s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum.I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris.THE CAT IS DEAD.Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf.LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem.DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge.LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine.FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice.I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton.TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy.LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France.DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo.I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.Cogito, ergo spud.I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another exception.)

|There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, ''we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long''.

Did you hear about the UCLA track
star who
won a gold medal?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

|8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, ''Dream on, Chester!''7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.3. Instead of ''Naughty'' or ''Nice'', Santa has him on the stupid list2. Labels on all your kid's toys read ''Straight from Craptown.''1. Four words: ''Off my lap, Tubby!''

Two
guys were out hunting, but they
weren't getting any ducks.
''What do you think the problem is?'' one man
asked his companion.
''I dunno,'' came the reply, ''Maybe we aren't
throwing the dog up
high
enough.''

Two Canadian hunters were driving through the

country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where
a
sign read ''BEAR LEFT'' so they went home.

Two hunters
got a pilot to fly them into
the far north for elk hunting. They were
quite successful in their
venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
came back, as arranged,
to pick them up. They started loading their gear
into the plane,
including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, ''The plane
can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave
two behind.''
They argued with him; the year before they had shot six
and the
pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same
model
and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to
put
all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the

valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the

wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to
the other, ''Do you
know where we are?''

''I think so,'' replied
the other hunter. I think this is about the
same place where
we landed last year!''

A hunter visited another hunter
and was
given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The
visiting
hunter asked, ''when did you bag him?''

The host said, ''that was
three years ago, when I went hunting with my
wife.''


''What's he stuffed with,'' asked the visiting hunter.

''My wife.''

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in
the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a
huge bear,
shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just
a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he
reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling
into the
cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his
friend
inside, ''You skin this one while I go and get another!''

''Look, guide, here are some LION
tracks.''
''Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they
came
from.''

A person checks into a hotel for

the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes
later
he calls the desk and say, ''You've given me a room with no
exit. How
do I leave?''
The desk clerk says, ''Sir, that's absurd.
Have you looked for the
door?''

The person says, '' Well,
there's one door that leads to the bathroom.
There's a second door that
goes into the closet. And there's a door I
haven't tried, but it
has a 'do not disturb' sign on it.''

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. ''What are we going to do?'' asks the drunk passenger.''Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.''They pull over and the cop gets out. ''May I see your license and your registration?'' he asks. The guy gives him his license. ''Have you been drinking?'' ''No officer. We haven't.''''Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?' The officer asked.''I swear officer. I haven't had a sip.''''Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?''The man answers, ''These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch.''

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?They both say...''insert Bill here!''

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. ''Bet you can't guess how old I am,'' he says. ''Bet I can,'' she says. ''Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am,'' he says. ''You're on,'' she says.''Stand up.'' He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. ''Now turn around,'' she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. ''Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants,'' she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . ''you're 86,'' she says. He's dumbounded. ''By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?'' She rocks and smiles.''You told me yesterday!''

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.The officer says, ''Pull over,'' and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.He says, ''I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?''The police officer says, ''No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.''The man replies, ''Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!''

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, ''So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?''''Yes, Doc,'' the old man slowly responded. ''My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.''This took the doctor quite by surprise. ''You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?''Well,'' the old man said, ''I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.''Still confused, the doctor said, ''I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive.''''Doc,'' the old man said, ''You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here,'' pointing to his head, ''to here,'' pointing to between his legs.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new
bicycle and
called out to his mother to watch his tricks.


'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No

teeth!'

Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more.
Why not? He lost his
balance.

The school teacher was furious when Brad

knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard.
''Don't
you know how to ride that yet?'' he roared.
''Oh yes!'' shouted Brad
over his shoulder.
''It's the bell I can't work yet.