Newest jokes

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.''Listen to this,'' he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. ''It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.''''Yeah,'' his wife nodded, ''and it has your weight wrong, too!''

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other?A: ''We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!''

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, ''I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!'' ''Very well, then,'' says God, ''let us see how Jesus fared.'' Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, ''But how?! How did he do that?!''God chuckles, ''Jesus Saves!''

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?''Decafinated''

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?With a Cell phone!

Great truths about life:1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. 5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. 6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.A good looking waitress comes up and asks, ''Can I take your order?''Clinton says, ''Yes, I like a quickie!''She turns a little read and say, ''Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!''As she walks away Gore leans over and says, ''Bill, its pronounced quiche''.

A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying ''What's that up there?''.The man replied ''why.. that's the sun...!''.On that the optician said, ''How far do you want to see sir!''

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. ''Your husband is very sick,'' the doctor said. ''Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthy meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.''The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.''What did the doctor say?'' he asked.''I'm sorry, m'dear,'' she said, ''but he said you're not going to make it.''

Q: Hey... Did you here about the new Episcopal Church that justopened up?A: They are so liberal that they have 6 commandments and 4suggestions.

Q. How many mimes does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. 2, the trick is getting them IN there.

If you're an American when you're out of the bathroom, what are you when you're IN the bathroom?European! (You're a Peein')And if you really gotta go bad?Russian!

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?When they're on their back their both fucked!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, ''How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'' To which he replied, ''That would be fine with me.''Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender replies ''I'm sorry, We don't serve strings''The string, angry, runs to the bathroom and ties himself up into knots until his ends are frayed.Then he walks back out and asks the bartender for a drink.''Hey, aren't you the string I just talked to?'' The bartender asks.''Nope,'' Says the string, ''I'm afraid not.'' (a frayed knot)

Good question...Do dogs have fleas, or do fleas have dogs?hmmmm.

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra? They'll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.

What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?They both wiggle when you eat them.

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.4. A man complaining to a friend: ''I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!'' ''What happened?'' asked the friend. ''Ahhh my wife found out!5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ''Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!'' Martha responds excitedly, ''Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!'' The man responds, ''I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!''8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

Why can't dogs use computers?Because you can't stick your head out of Windows XP