Newest jokes

|A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: ''That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.''In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.''The bus driver insulted me,'' she fumed.The man sympathized and said: ''Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.''''You're right,'' she said. ''I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.''''That's a good idea,'' the man said. ''Here, let me hold your monkey.''

|A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ''no.'' The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ''Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.'' He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, ''There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.'' The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, ''Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.'' The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. ''I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...'' The mother broke in, ''My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.''

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM ''GREEN ACRES'': LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9:00-9:50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4:35-5:05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5:30-7:15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11:00-12:15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3:00-3:50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9:30-10:45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1:00-1:05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2:00-2:50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6:00-8:30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN ''MELROSE PLACE'' (MTWTFSS 9:00-4:15)A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH (TH 3:00-4:15)HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE (MWF 1:00-1:50)ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE (MWF 9:00-9:50)PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS (TH 2:00-3:15)TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY (M 7:00-9:15)ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS (MWF 10:00-10:50)Thanks to stampo (genie.com)

American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.

A man walks
into a Chinese restaurant
but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty
minute wait.
''Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?'', he says.
The
man goes into the bar and the bartender says, ''What'll it be?''
The
man replies, ''Give me a Stoli with a twist.''
The bartender pauses
for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, ''Once upon time, there were
FOUR little peegs . . . ''

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won't freeze
?
Pupil: Hot water !

Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and
then
she didn't give me one !

Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son:
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper
!

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!


- I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food
that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding
cake.

My wife asked me ''What's on the TV?''

-
I said, ''Dust!''

In the beginning, God created the earth and

rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.


- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before
their wives?

-
They want to.

What do you call a telephone call from

one vicar to another ?
A parson to parson call !

Men are like horoscopes.
They always tell you
what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers.
They spend most of their
lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom

Question: How many men does it take to mop the
floor?
Answer: None, it's a women's job.

What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A
yardvark!

What do you call an aardvark that's just won

a fight?
A well 'aardvark!