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BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKSDad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty The Complete Set Of ''Mother Got Goosed'' Nursery Rhymes Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Mom's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead How to Insert Sharp Objects into Your Ear When is Later? The Beanie Babies and the Putrid Odor Why Mommy and Daddy Are Bouncing on the Bed Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Get Kinky Rin Tin Tin Guards the Herd of Sheep How Far is Not Far? Three Men in a Tub - The Untold Story The Boy Who Cried ''Fire!'' Things Rat Poison Looks Like Why Uncle Bud Falls Down Two Fingers in the Dike Back To School! A Munitions Primer Jack and Jill and Ted and Alice Things That Are Really Sharp How Dopey Got His Name Spinach or Steroids - A Guide to Scholarships

What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal? Lettuce alone!

What goes ''errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh? A blonde at ablinking red light!

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of batteredwomen.And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by puttingmore women on his staff.

What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky? Thepool table in the oval office!

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown? Artificialintelligence!

Women's Snappy Comebacks:Man: =''Haven't we met before?'' Woman: ''Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.''Man: =''Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: ''Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.''Man: = ''Is this seat empty?'' Woman: ''Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.''Man: = ''So, wanna go back to my place ?'' Woman: ''Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?''Man: = ''Your place or mine?'' Woman: ''Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.''Man: = ''I'd like to call you. What's your number?'' Woman: ''It's in the phone book.''Man: = ''But I don't know your name.'' Woman: ''That's in the phone book too.''Man: = ''So what do you do for a living?'' Woman: ''I'm a female impersonator.''Man: = ''What sign were you born under?'' Woman: ''No Parking.''Man: = ''Hey, baby, what's your sign?'' Woman: ''Do not Enter''Man: = ''How do you like your eggs in the morning?'' Woman: ''Unfertilized !''Man: = ''Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason'' Woman: ''Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!''Man: = ''I know how to please a woman.'' Woman: ''Then please leave me alone.''Man: = ''I want to give myself to you.'' Woman: ''Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.''Man: = ''If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.'' Woman: ''Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.''Man: = ''Your body is like a temple.'' Woman: ''Sorry, there are no services today.''Man: = ''I'd go through anything for you.'' Woman: ''Good! Let's start with your bank account.''Man: = ''I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: ''Yes, but would you stay there?''

Words From Famous Women ... ''I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.'' - Dolly Parton ''I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.'' - Roseanne ''My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.'' - Rita Rudner ''He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant'' - CarolLeifer ''I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.'' - Wendy Liebman ''I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.'' - Roseanne ''I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?'' - Wendy Liebman ''I think-therefore I'm single'' - Lizz Winstead ''Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.'' - Hedy Lamarr ''When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.'' - Elayne Boosler ''I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.'' - Gilda Radner ''Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.''- Maryon Pearson ''Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.'' - Bella Abzug ''In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.'' - Margaret Thatcher ''I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.'' - Gloria Steinem ''Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.'' - Gloria Steinem ''Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.'' - Katharine Hepburn ''I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.'' - Marie Corelli ''If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?'' - Linda Ellerbee ''I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.'' - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.He looks down, sees a snail there.The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - ''WHAT WAS THAT FOR?''

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.The receptionist replies, ''I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.'' The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, ''Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.'' The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says ''Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?''The man then answers ''I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.''

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man ''What are you staring at?''''Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.''

Man: ''Haven't we met before?''Woman: ''Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.''Man: ''Haven't I seen you someplace before?Woman: ''Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.''Man: ''Is this seat empty?''Woman: ''Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.''Man: ''Your place or mine?''Woman: ''Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.''Man: ''I'd like to call you. What's your number?''Woman: ''It's in the phone book.''Man: ''But I don't know your name.''Woman: ''That's in the phone book too.''Man: ''So what do you do for a living?''Woman: ''I'm a female impersonator.''Man: ''Hey, baby, what's your sign?''Woman: ''Do not Enter''Man: ''How do you like your eggs in the morning?''Woman: ''Unfertilized !''Man: ''Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.''Woman: ''Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!''Man: ''I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.''Woman: ''You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?''Man: ''I know how to please a woman.''Woman: ''Then why aren't you leaving me alone?''Man: ''I want to give myself to you.''Woman: ''Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.''Man: ''If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:Woman: ''Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.''Man: ''Your body is like a temple.''Woman: ''Sorry, there are no services today.''Man: ''I'd go through anything for you.''Woman: ''Good! Let's start with your bank account.''Man: ''I would go to the end of the world for you.Woman: ''Yes, but would you stay there?

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, ''What man out there will buy a lady a drink?''The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, ''Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!''The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, ''What man out there will buy a lady a drink?''Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, ''Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!''After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, ''It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?''The drunk replies, ''Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!''

I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and ''sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00''Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.Well the man replied ''No sir... I have money for gambling.''

January 1, 2000Dear (enter employee name here)Re: Vacation PayOur records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.Sincerely,Automated Payroll Processing

What was the pirate movie rated?ARRRRRRR

Q: What does a blonde do after waking up? A1: Go Home. A2: Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?She was trying to blow the horn!