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The College Food Chain THE DEANLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bulletWalks on waterGives policy to GodTHE DEPARTMENT HEADLeaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletTalks with GodPROFESSORLeaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a speeding BBWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with God if a special request is honoredASSOCIATE PROFESSORBarely clears a quonset hutLoses tug of war with a locomotiveCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs occassionally addressed by GodASSISTANT PROFESSORMakes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildingsIs run over by locomotivesCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injuryTreads waterTalks to animalsINSTRUCTORClimbs walls continuallyRides the railsPlays Russian RouletteWalks on thin icePrays a lotGRADUATE STUDENTRuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotives two out of three timesIs not issued ammunitionCan stay afloat with a life jacketTalks to wallsUNDERGRADUATE STUDENTFalls over doorstep when trying to enter buildingsSays ''Look at the choo-choo''Wets himself with a water pistolPlays in mud puddlesMumbles to himselfDEPARTMENT SECRETARYLifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the tracksCatches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glanceShe IS God.

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Where do snowmen keep their money ?
In a
snowbank !

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|The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell. 6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term ''New York City Hospitality Committee'' is an oxymoron. 5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches. 4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: ''My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.'' 3. ''Miss Salt Lake'' for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech. 2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties. This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

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|Top NFL Complaints After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling ''heads or tails'' but never getting any. . . ''head'' or ''tail''. Players get ''the wave''. . . refs get ''the finger''. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for ''Illegal use of a racial slur'' is meaningless. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!! Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week! Don King only bribes boxing judges. Official rule books not made in Braille. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

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|NFL Team Lame Names When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL. AFC West:Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks AFC Central: Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers AFC East: Buffalo Bills - Buffalo NilsBuffalo Spills Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts Miami Dolphins - Miami StallfinsMiami Soft Ones New England Patriots - New England Patsys New York Jets - New York PetsNew York Not Yets NFC West:Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners NFC Central:Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin'sDetroit Kittens Green Bay Packers - Green Bay FudgepackersGreen Bay SlackersGreen Bay Whackers Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota TykesMinnesota ViQueens Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers NFC East:Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals Dallas Cowboys - Dallas CowgirlsDallas Cowpie New York Giants - New York Midgets Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles Washington Redskins - Washington DeadskinsExpansion Teams:Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

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Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually exited?A. He's Breathing.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall talesbegins.The first says, ''I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.''The second can't stand to be bested. ''Why that's nothing. I was walkingdown the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under arock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bitits head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still heretoday.''The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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If a fly has no wings
would you call
him a walk?

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How much deeper would the ocean be
without
sponges?

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Q: What directions did the
ghost give the
goblin? A: ''Make a fright turn at the corner.''

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What do
ghosts say when a girl footballer is
sent off ?
Ban-she, ban-she !

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This girl wanted to marry a ghost. I can't

think what possessed her.

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Little Mary was not the best
student in
Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day
the teacher
called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who
created
the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic
boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the
rear. ''God
Almighty!'' shouted Mary, and the teacher said, ''Very
good,'' and Mary fell
back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked
Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior,''
but Mary didn't even stir from
her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue, and stuck her
again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary, and
the teacher said, ''Very
good,'' and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third
question. ''What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third
child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary
jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that
damn thing in me one m
ore time, I'll break it in half!''

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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of

intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the

intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was
at
fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been
blind since birth, and thus
should be given additional leeway, the
rabbit said that he, too, had been
blind since birth. The two
animals then forgot about the collision and
began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his
greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to
see his reflection in the water, and for that
reason did not know
exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared
that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they
could help
each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from
hea
d to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.


The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, ''You've got very soft, fuzzy fur,

long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I
think that
you must be a bunny rabbit!''

The rabbit was much
relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to
return the favor to
the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a
few minutes,
he asserted, ''Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've
got beady
little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've
got a
forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!''

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What do you get if you cross a telephone

and a marriage bureau ?
A wedding ring !

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What do you get if you cross a pig and a
telephone ?
A lot of crackling on the line !

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When doesn't a telephone work

underwater?
When it's wringing wet!

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Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my

boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour?
Operator: No, but
if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along
with you.

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What do you get when you cross a telephone
with a pair of
pants?
Bell-bottoms!

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|It's for my mother-in-law,'' explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, ''My Doberman here killed her.''''Gee...That's terrible,'' commiserated the spectator. ''But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?''The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, ''Get in line.''

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