Newest jokes

What is the first symptom of AIDs?A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind2. No business.

|China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible'' for today?s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed ''Panda Rash'', told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet. ''I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight.'' said the pilot ''He could not shake the American foreign-devil'' The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp '' Fully responsible for the incident'' repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. ''The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant'' Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying. Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

|The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?Fake an orgasm.

What are 3 problems about being an egg?You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your faceis your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?

You get a buzzy signal.

Party Host: Hello?
Phone Caller: I'm
trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima.
Could you please
ask if anybody at your party knows her?
Party Host: I'd be glad
to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but
does anybody know Ima
Nidiot?

Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an

ambulance!
Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!

Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know

what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls
any
longer!
Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are
long enough
already!

How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside
down and make a noise like a banana.

What do you get if
you cross King Kong
with a budgie?
A messy cage.

What did King Kong say when he saw the
Statue of
Liberty?
''Are you my mother?''

|10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.9. Today is our what?8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?7. I thought we only celebrated important events?6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

|A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, ''That's one.'' The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, ''That's two!'' He returns to his saddle and they move on.As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, ''That's three,'' removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, ''That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!''The man stares at his wife and firmly says, ''That's one!''

|The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, ''I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two.''Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, ''I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.''

|In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them.I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less dangerous.

|Jill tells her husband, ''Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why can't you do that?''''Gosh,'' Jack says, ''why I hardly know the girl.''

Bonkistry Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion yearsby Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately knownas ''Bonkistry.'' He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it pasthim to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there werethese two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on allof the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into thefinal they had a solid A.These two friends were so confident going into the final that theweekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangoversand everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back toDuke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain tohim why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVafor the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but thatthey had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare andcouldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back tocampus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make upthe final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time thatBonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each ofthem a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the firstproblem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and wasworth 5 points. ''Cool'' they thought, ''this is going to be easy.'' Theydid that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?

Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is ''interface''? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot!!!