Newest jokes

Why do dentists like
potatoes?
Because
they are so filling.

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly hadto fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the airwith her deodorizer.Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.He began to sniff.The Avon lady asked, ''Do you smell something?''''Why, yes, I do,'' he replied.''What does it smell like?''''Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shitin a pine tree.''

A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says,''How dare you burp before my wife!'' The burper replies,''Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!''

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, ''Did you see that?'' The second guy says, ''No.'' ''A bald eagle just flew over head.'' ''Oh.'' A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, ''Did you see that?'' ''No.'' ''Therewas a black bear walking on that hill over there.'' ''Oh.'' A few minutes later the second guy says, ''Did you see that?'' The second guy, getting aggravated, says, ''Yes, I did!'' The first guy then says, ''Then why did you step in it?''

A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, ''I am white from head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N.'' Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, ''My name is Sam and I am white from head to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N.''

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, ''Why are you laughing?'' The guy says, ''I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted...'' ''What's so funny about that?'' ''It blew my neighbor's house apart!''

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert. The Dutchman says: ''I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.'' The German says: ''I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!'' The Belgian remains silent. Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. ''What's that?'' they both shout. The Belgian answers: ''It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot...''

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, ''Lord, I have a problem!''''What's the problem, Eve?''''Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.''''Why is that, Eve?'' came the reply from above.''Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.''''Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'' ''What's a 'man', Lord?''''This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.''''Sounds great,'' says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.''Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.'' ''What's that, Lord?''''You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.''

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, ''What about that little stable over there? What's that for?''''Well,'' says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, ''you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --''The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. ''PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.''Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. ''Tell me,'' the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, ''is the camel free this afternoon?''The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. ''How about I schedule you in for 2:00?''The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.''Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?''

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???He put's it in his honey!!

I've just come back from the beauty parlour.

Pity it was closed!

Where is everyone beautiful?
In the dark.

Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No
one.

First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor
yesterday. I was
there for three hours.
Second Witch: Oh, what did
you have done?
First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an
estimate.

Did you hear about the dentist who planted a
garden?...
A month later he was picking his teeth

What game did the dentist play
when she
was a child?...Caps and robbers

What is a dentist's office?
A filling
station.

What do you call the Scottish dentist
?
Phil McCavity !

Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he
always looks down in the mouth.

Mother: I told you not eat cake
before
supper.
Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take
an eighth
of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.