Newest jokes

A lady says to her doctor, ''My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.''The doctor examines her, and then says, ''You need an operation.''She asks, ''On my vagina?''He says, ''No. On your nose!''

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!!

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, ''You have to take a Breathalyzer test.'' The guy says, ''I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit.''The cop says, ''Then I have to give you a blood test.'' The guy says, ''You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place.''The cops says, ''Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line.'' The guy says, ''I can't.'' The cop says, ''Why not?'' The guy says, ''Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!''

Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: ''Our deepest sympathy.''But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, ''Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.''

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, ''She was waving a firearm.''

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...The chief answered in his typically poetic way...''When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.''Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister ''Thundering Bird'' get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...The boy asked again, how his cousin ''White Crouching Bear'' had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...''Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?''

Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.''Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.''''You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.''''Is there anything which your holiness desires?''''Well, yes,'' the Pope replied. ''I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.''Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, ''There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!''

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said ''Who owns the big white horse outside?''The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, ''I do... Why?''The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, ''I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!''The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, ''Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.''Tonto said, ''Sure, Kemosabe'' and took off running circles around Silver.Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, ''Who owns that big white horse outside?''The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, ''I do, what's wrong with him this time?''The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,.... Nothin', but did you know you left your injun running?

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, ''Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.'' The second lady chimed in, ''Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.'' The third one responded,'' Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood,'' as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them... ''That must be the door, I'll get it!''

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, he'd start counting ''10, 9,8....''

What did 1 strawberry say to another?Answer, if you weren't so fresh you wouldn't be in this jam!

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!'

Your momma's so stupid, she looked over a glass wall!

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they don't know who they are.They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it ''Pot Luck''.My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out.

Q: What is Monica's favorite chinese food?A: Cream of sum young guy.

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, ''HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?! ''.. and one of the guys says, ''the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE''

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, whatdoes that mean?Her chain is to long!