Newest jokes

What did the parrot say
when he saw a
duck?
Polly want a quacker!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?Your Honor.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.''The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!''''I don't think so,'' his attorney told him. ''I sent it in the other lawyer's name!''

|How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

How is a hailstone like an
onion?


-They are both whitish and have layers

Why did the Aggie take a golf
club and a
baseball glove storm chasing with him?


-To golf the golf ball
size hail and catch the baseball size hail

How
is snow white?


-Pretty
good, according to the 7 dwarfs

What is the opposite of a
cold
front?


-A warm back

|Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called ''Don't Wash My Silks'')9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall CatalogueOnce again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag2. You Can Change The Oil Too4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Q:
What did the Indian say to the white
woman when she tied his penis in a
knot?
A: ''How Come?''

|Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin 9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker 8. According to plaque, ''When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says'' 7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles 6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in ''Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'' 5. ''Cloaking device'' button only there because pilot's a ''Star Trek'' fan 4. Maybe not the best idea to write ''Spy plane'' on wings 3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty 2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water! 1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

|Top Holiday Traditions In The Military9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower7. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 05305. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank2. Watching ''Frosty'' and crying my eyes out1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

|This is Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?''Because that's the way it's always been around here.''That's how Army policy begins...

There was a huge fire at a big city soda
factory. The city
company was losing ground and the owner
was
frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in

the safe that was in the center of the
blaze, and he would give
10,000 dollars to the department that got the
formula. An hour later
no ground was
gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12
departments couldn't
subdue the blaze the owner saw this
he raised
the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town
department
drove their truck right into the fire
and emerged 10 minutes later with
the formula. When asked what they
would do with the money one
said,
''Get them damn brakes fixed we figure.''

One day a boy was drowning in a near by

lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the
beach
and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped

on the boys chest. With great
amazement water was pooring from
the boys mouth. Each time the
firefighter pumped more water came
out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then
more
water started coming out of the boys
mouth. The firefighter
feared this would never stop. Just then, a
paramedic arrived and
quickly ran over to the
firefighter and b lurted out. ''Hey Chief! You
better get that kids ass
out of the water before you pump that
lake
dry''.

Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire
Chief two Lotus Notes
Gurus ?
A. FireWeb .... of course!

|The phone rings at FBI headquarters.''Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!''''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?''''Yep.''''Did they chop your firewood?''''Yep.''''Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.''

|Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, ''Hey, sarge, why did you stop?''The sarge replied, ''He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.''

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, ''Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.Please tell me how you did this!''The second blonde then says, '' But you ARE on the otherside!''