Newest jokes

One night, after closing time a
barman is
sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral
hound
floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool

kind of guy, asks ''yeah, what do you want?''. The phantom hound

explains, in a haunting voice ''I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest
until
a kindly barman stitches it back-on''. At this request the barman

stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... ''Sorry, but
we
don't re-tail spirits at this time of night''.

What did the mother ghost say to the naughty

baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to.

|The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's MassacreVariety: ''Custer Closes Out of Town''Pravda: ''Big Red Victory.''Sports Illustrated: ''Indians Win Series''Women's Wear Daily: ''Feathers Make Comeback''Reader's Digest: ''Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff''The Washington Post: ''Custer Loses Rural Vote''

|Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 6. Get rid of all those creepy ''Richard Simmons Wants You'' posters 5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day 4. Superiors may now be addressed as ''Dude'' 3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan ''Army of One'' replaces ''Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!''

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed ''what are you doing''? the other lush says ''shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home''.

Q. Why is the section of body between a womans breasts and her croutch called a waste??A. You could fit another pair of breasts there Sent by sam

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?''Oh'', sighed Judy, ''I had a wonderful time.''''I thought as much'', her mother remarked, ''Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!''

|A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.''This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?''The first blonde answers, ''That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!''The policeman says, ''Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE.''Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, ''This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?''The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, ''Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!''The policeman angrily responds, ''What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?''Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, ''This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?''He quickly adds ''...think hard before giving me a stupid answer.''The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, ''Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses.''The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. ''Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.''He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. ''Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?''''That's easy,'' the blonde replied. ''He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.''

|A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, ''Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?''The officer replied, ''Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.'' She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, ''Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?''The blonde replied, ''Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!''

|A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, ''I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!''

A famous professor of surgery died and
went to heaven. At the
pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
'Have you ever committed a
sin you truly regret?'


'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the

hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the

Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the

referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that
now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor
sin. You may
enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,'
the professor ansvered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the
gatekeeper. 'He is having his
lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for

his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he

began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with

him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. ''Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you.'' The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.

The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel

reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take

one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase

and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to

greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, ''Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!''

But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
''You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through.''

St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, ''You brought
pavement?!!!''

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it

sounds?

How come wrong numbers are never
busy?

How long will a floating point operation

float?

You know that little indestructible
black box that is used on
planes - why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same
substance?

Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting

our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?

|Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing ''AT''.When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.A modem won't say a word if you come home late.A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...''IT'S A GUY THING''Translated:* ''There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.''''CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?''Translated:* ''Why isn't it already on the table?''''UH HUH,'' ''SURE, HONEY,'' OR ''YES, DEAR''Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.''IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN''Translated:* ''I have no idea how it works.''''TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.''Translated:* ''I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.''''THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.''Translated:* ''Are you still talking?''''YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.''Translated:* ''I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.''''OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.''Translated:* ''I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.''''HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.''Translated:* ''And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.''''I CAN'T FIND IT.''Translated:* ''It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.''''WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?''Translated:* ''What did you catch me at?''''I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.''Translated:* ''No one will ever see us alive again.''''WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.''Translated:* ''I make the messes; she cleans them up.''

|Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. ''Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?'' - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.