Newest jokes

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th weddinganniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved afterseeing my father’s eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, andlooked at him affectionately. ''I never knew you were sosentimental,'' she whispered.''No, no,'' he said, choking back his tears, ''that’s not it at all.Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to eithermarry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?''''Yes,'' my mother replied. ''I remember it like yesterday.''''Well,'' said my father, ''today I would have be a free man!''

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.She says, ''Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?''He says, ''You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!''

Knock Knock Who's there? Ketchup Ketchup who? Catch up with me and I'll tell you!

A few weeks before Christmas a very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made ''Tickle Me Elmo'' dolls.It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.The boss could not control his laughter and said, ''Lady, I said to give each doll Two ---- ''Test'' ---- Tickles.

Daffynition: Hummingbird- A bird who forgot the lines to a song!

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.“Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?” “Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!”“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?” “Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. ”Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?” “Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.” “Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said ''I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him''.The farmer said ''Help yourself, the hens are out in the back''.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens. 11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10! 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear,''Who BUYS this crap anyway?'' 15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, ''Wow,Magic!''20. Put M&M's on layaway. 21. Move ''Caution: Wet FLoor'' signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles. 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying , ''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!'' 26. TP as much of the store as possible.27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.28. Play with the calculators so that they spell ''hello'' upside down. 29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?''30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!'' 31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?'' 32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men. 33. Take bets on the battle described above.34. Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible''38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.40. Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?'' 41. Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.42. Two words: ''Marco Polo.'' 43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 44. ''Re-alphebetize'' the CD's in electronics.45. In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. 46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,''No,no! It's those voices again!'' 49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Knock Knock Who's there? I wannup I wannup who? You do! I didn't need to know that!

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’ Q: Did he kill you?4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?6) Were you alone or by yourself.7) How long have you been a French Canadian?8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I’ll be three months on November8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?14) So you were gone until you returned?15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?16) You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

How do you castrate a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the mouth!

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.''I would like a loan of Ł30,000 please.'' he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. ''Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know.'' says Paddy, ''You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.''''That's okay,'' says the frog, ''I have this.'' And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. ''What's this? I can't accept this as collateral.'' ''Don't worry,'' says the frog, ''I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.''Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says ''There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow Ł30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?''The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says... ''It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker? ''Make me one with everything.''

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says ''we're playing poker'' and the mother says ''& I'm his partner''.He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says ''We're playing poker'' and the grandmother says ''& I'm his partner''.He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says ''I'm playing poker''.The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies, ''You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !''

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.Social worker - ''We should give these seats to the children''. Lawyer - ''Dont be stupid, fuck the children!'' Catholic priest - ''Do you really think we've got time''?

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. ''Here'', she said. ''This came in the mail today''.The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther? Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ?? A: She through it out of the window !!

How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water!