Newest jokes

What's black and white and turns
cartwheels?
A piebald horse pulling a cart!

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride

a horse?
The ground!

Q: What do you get when a blond stands on here head?A: A smelly burnette.Sent by Tiffany

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask her how to get there and she says ''Duh, big red truck?!.''

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says ''yes, no, yes, no.....''

What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather?

A faint Bernard!

What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an
elephant?
A tusky!

Every time I tell my English Setter to stop
barking, it
never does!
What does it do?
It just stands on its
back two legs and quotes Shakespeare!
What?
Yeah, it says, ''To
bark or not to bark that is the question!'' and
keeps on barking!

What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire
haired terriers !!

Q: Why is being in the
military like a blow
job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in
common?
A: They are both substitute meats.

Q: What do a coffin and a condom
have in
common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's
going.

|WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, ''Oh all right, I'll stay the night''. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, ''You may be, you look familiar.''

A tornado walks into a bar and orders a

Hurricane. The bartender asks why he is ordering a Hurricane when he is a

tornado. The tornado responds with, ''I am a hurricane induced

tornado''.

Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team

will be called ''Humidity'' so that fans in Florida will be able to

say, ''It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity.''

Where does the aardvark family always
come
first?
In the phone book!

|In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

|Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: ''When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.''Wife: ''No, I can't marry anyone after you.''Johnson: ''But I want you to.''Wife: ''But why?''Johnson: ''Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!''

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ''We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?''''I'll take the lawyer's heart'', said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. ''It was easy'', said the patient, ''I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.''

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,''You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.''After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, ''You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.''