Newest jokes

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to ''headlight parties''5. You used to drag ''main''6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself20. No place sells gas on Sunday21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog26. You had senior skip day27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, ''Just what the hell you are doing?!''''Well,'' said the guy, ''you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!''''That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!'' the guy replied.''I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?''

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire department and asked them to come put it out. When they asked how to get to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said... ''Duh, use the big red truck!''

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'Why?' asked the man.'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'

Did You her Bill Cliton tried to kill himself? Yea he try to O.D. on Viagra and beat himself to death!

Do you know why Polish men, when they go to sleep, bring one glass full of water and one cup empty?It's because they doesn't know if they'll be thirsty or not.

If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?A doyouthinkhesaurus!

Did you here Mr. Clean is in the hospital? He has ammonia.

Redneck's Ode to a ValentineKudzu is green. My Dog's name is Blue. And I'm so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we's in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I'm in hawg heaven. I'm plumb out of my wits. And speakin' of wits, You got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you are my woman. I can't ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo're there for yore man To patch up life's toubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant On which I oft treat. Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like my Rattletrap Shad. (A fishing lure.) When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete. There ain't nothin' I lack. Yore complexion's perfection Like the best vinly sidin', Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy, I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a cold RC drank. We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day. They git it at Wal-Mart. It's romatic that way. Some men, they git roses On that special day From a coller at Food World. ''That's impressive,'' I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. ''A diamond's forever,'' They explain, suave and couth. But for this feller, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You old sweet thang, you. I got you a gift without taste nor odor. Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says, ''Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?''The Grandpa says, ''I Don't Know, Why?''The Little Boy Says, ''Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!''

Redneck Driver's License Application...Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.Last name: ________________First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann SueAge: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty PoliticianSpouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] PetNumber of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th gradeDo you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocksAge you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshopModel and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFOHow often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not ApplicableHow many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/ABrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] SkoalHow far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently, ''Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?''To that, he replied, ''No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls!'' He continued to write down some information.After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered, ''Never mind.'' He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said, ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!''The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply. ''Last week my wife ran off with a cop, '' he said, '' and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''''Off you go,'' said the officer.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, 'Bring me my red shirt!'The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, 'Bring me my red shirt!'And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 'Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?'The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, 'If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.' The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Why are felines the best ever animals? Because they're purrrrrrrfect and grrrrrreat!

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer? He gets taller!

Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!

The head nun at the convent says, ''I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!''Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes ''Heh, heh, heh...''She says, ''And I found a used condom on my desk!''Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes ''Heh, heh, heh...''She says, ''And there was a huge tear in the condom!''One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, ''Heh, heh, heh.''