Newest jokes

Why did the pig join a muscle-building
class?

He thought ''pumping iron'' was a new juice dispenser.

Why did the pig go to the
casino?
To play
the slop machine!

Why is a banana peel on the
sidewalk like
music?
Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz?
An
electric banana.

1st vampire: How things?
2nd vampire:
Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn
by 50 pints at
the blood bank.

I got an
anonymous letter today.
Oh,
really - who was it from?!

Teacher: Frd, give me a sentence starting with

''I.''
Fred: I is . . .
Teacher: No, Fred. You must always
say ''I am.''
Fred: Oh, right. I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose
father was the
stronger. Will said,' Well, you know the Pacific
Ocean ? My father's
the one who dug the hole for it.'
Bill wasn't
impressed, ' Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea
? My
father's the one who killed it !

Did you
hear about the boy who was known
as Fog ?
He was dense and wet !

What do they have for lunch at Monster
School?
Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.

What's the
hardest part of making monster
soup?
Stirring it.

FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?

SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.

FIRST MONSTER: I fancy
eating the city of
Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?
SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I
can't stand Chinese food.

Why is
the monsters' football pitch
wet?
Because the players keep dribbling on it.

|During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, ''If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace...'' have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, ''Daddy, daddy.'' I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

|At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

|Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, ''Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now.'' Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

After a difficult day a struggling actor

returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police
and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.


Explaining who he was he asks ''What happened?''

''Well,''
one of the officer's says, ''It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,

assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the

ground.''

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
''My agent came to my house?''

At what time do most people go to the
dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted

yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?
That's
right, Sir.
So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre
with a friend?
That was my dentist.