Newest jokes

Barber: Your hair is getting grey,

Sir.
Customer: I'm not surprised - hurry up, will you?

Why does a barber never shave a man with
a
wooden leg?
Because he always uses a razor.

What's a barber's favourite kind of
holiday?
Cruising on a clipper.

How much for a haircut?
Barber:
Fifteen dollars.
How much for a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.

Right - shave my head.

A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an
empty
chair.
''Haircut, sir?'' asked the barber.
''No, just
change the oil, please!''

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It
scares the heck out of the dog.

One day two blind men started
fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of
the crowd yelled out ''I bet 10 bucks on the
one with the
knife.''

Both men ran away.

|A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads ''low bridge ahead.'' Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ''Got stuck, huh?''The truck driver says, ''No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.''

|A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

After a difficult day a struggling actor

returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of
police and
fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.


Explaining who he was he asks ''What happened?''

''Well,''
one of the officer's says, ''It seems that your agent came
by your
house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife,

assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the

ground.''

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in
disbelief...
''My agent came to my house?''

Q: How many screenwriters
to make
''Titanic'' a good movie?
A: One more than they had.

What do you get is you cross a ghost with a

packet of potato chips?
Snacks that go crunch in the night.

What do you call a ghost who only
haunts the
Town Hall?
The nightmayor.

Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated
into
my room!
Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing
through.

What did one
ghost say to another?
I'm
sorry, but I just don't believe in people.

What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?

Lazy bones.

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. ''No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!'' Trying to convince him further, ''Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.''''No, she isn't,'' said Johnny. ''Why not?'' ''Because I ate her first!''

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters ''ILU'' written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does ''ILU'' mean? The little girl replies, ''I love you.''The teacher says, ''Isn't that sweet,'' and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters ''YAS'' written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, ''It means, You are special.'' ''Thank you sweetheart'', the teacher says.The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters ''FUCK'' written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, ''Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!''.

Little Johnny's teacher asked him, ''Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, ''bitter end'' in it.Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, ''Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.''

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, ''Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.''Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, ''Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!''