Newest jokes

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.Guest: I'll make my own bed.Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.Well'' he explained'' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen''.On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. ''Well'' he explained'' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen''.On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. ''Well'' he explained,'' by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......''

What is the best form of Birth ControlAnswer: Marriage

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. ''Who is it?'', calls one of the nuns. ''Blind man,'' replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. ''Nice butt, sister,'' says the man, ''where do you want these blinds?''

Q. Whats the difference between an elephants fart and a cocktail saloon?A. Ones a Bar Room and the others a BARRROOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Sign seen in a bar:''Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.''

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, ''What was the problem?''''The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,'' he explained... ''It took us awhile to find a new pilot.''

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.The brunette says to the blonde ''now I'm going to half to spread my legs!'', and the blonde says ''why? don't you have a vase?''

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her ''yes, we do.They're right here behind the counter.''The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.The clerk asks the old woman, ''is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?''.The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says ''no, thank you, son.I'm just waiting here to see who buys them''.

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system ''Windows 2000'' will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the ''old man'' gives for a wank behind a bush.The two boys reply, ''A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.''

Why did the fish Blush?Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?A:> A MegasaurASS

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.''Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!''''Oh dear! I'm very sorry.'' replied her friend ''What did you do?''''Opened a can of peas instead!''

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. ''Kitty box crunchies'' are not food.I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.