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|It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ''Sir, Good Evening, Sir!''The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said ''Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?''Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied ''Sir, Yes Sir!''.The General continued, ''You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?''The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded ''Sir, Yes Sir!''The General, pointing at the dog, ''This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.''The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said ''Sir, Yes Sir!''The General continued ''I got this dog for my wife.''The Private simply said ''Good trade Sir!''

|Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.''Why, my outfit was so well drilled,'' declared one, ''that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.''''Very good,'' conceded the other, ''but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.''''What was the jingle?'' asked the first. ''Oh,'' replied the other offhand, ''just our medals.''

|Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, ''If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.''They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, ''Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!'' It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.

|Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote ''Help'' on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and ''Me'' on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides ''Help Me'', other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

|A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we ''have been talking about'' the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

|A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

|A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: ''My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.''The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: ''Do you like spinach?'' She says ''No,'' and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ''Do you have a brother?'' Again, the girl says ''No'' and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: ''If you had a brother, would he like spinach?''

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?Fur traders.

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?................A. Speed bumps

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks overto a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmerappears. ''Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile downthe road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay,just until morning, and I.....'' The farmer says, ''Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, butyou'll have to sleep with my two sons....'' The salesman says, ''Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!''

Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,''I have to take adumpski,''and he walks into the woods to do it. Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying''Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.I Had A Miscarriage.'' He runs into the woods to see what is going on. When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,''Boo-Hoo I Had AMiscarriage... He looks down and says,''Don't be silly.You didn't have a miscarraige.Youhad diarrhea on a toad.''

Who's the aardvark's favorite female
vocalist?
Bearbara Streis-ant!

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What kind of dog is the most colorful?
A paint
Bernard!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why don't witches wear panties?So they can get a better grip on the broom.

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they havedeveloped a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra.

What is the strongest
animal?
A
racehorse, because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at
once!