Newest jokes

What is a ghost
boxer called?
A
phantomweight.

What happened to the ghost who went to a party?

He had a wail of a time.

Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
He
was booed off stage.

What do u get if u cross bambi wit a ghost?BAMBOOWhat is a duck's favourite TV show?THE FEATHER FORECASTGET IT? hahaha

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, ''Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!'' The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, ''Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!'' The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, ''The only thing I can smell is molasses.''

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, ''The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?''The corporal replies, ''On Fridays, they let us use the camels.''The lieutentent is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.The next friday, the young lieutentent slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.The same corporal comes in to investigate. ''Lieutenent! What are you doing.''''Come on man,'' replied the embarrased officer, ''You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays.''''Yes sir,'' replied the corporal. ''But most of us just ride them into town.''

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, ''The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?''The corporal replies, ''On Fridays, they let us use the camels.''The lieutenent can't beleive it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn.The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp decended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenent sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, ''Let me go! Let me go!''''Good God man,'' said the lieutenent. ''There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry?''The corporal replied, ''I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one!''

Man goes to see the Rabbi. ''Rabbi, something terrible ishappening and I have to talk to you about it.''The Rabbi asked, ''What's wrong?''The man replied, ''My wife is poisoning me.''The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ''How can that be?''The man then pleads, ''I'm telling you, I'm certain she'spoisoning me, what should I do?''The Rabbi then offers, ''Tell you what. Let me talk to her,I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.''A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ''Well, I spoketo your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Youwant my advice?''The man anxiously says, ''Yes.''''Take the poison,'' says the Rabbi

For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'dfinally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged hissuitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!''Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you werepregnant?'' he cried. ''I would have rushed up here, wecould have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!''''Well,'' she said, ''when my folks found out about mycondition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' anddecided it would be better to have a bastard in thefamily than a lawyer!''

A little boy came downstairs crying
late
one night. ' What's wrong ?' asked his mother. Do people really

come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. 'In a way they

do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust
?'.
'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well,
under my
bed there's someone either coming or going !'

A little kid is sitting on a park bench
eating
abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he

continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the
kid says
'' oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old'' the
old man
replies ''i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all
that chocolate
''oh no sir'' says the kid, it was by minding his own
business !

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to
her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.


''How did that happen?, '' gasped her mother.

''It wasn't easy,''
admitted the young lady, ''but three girls helped
me catch him!''

I had a funny dream last night, Mom.
Did
you?
I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was
asleep.

Q: How many
Studio Executives does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last
longer than studio executives.

Q: How many Development Executives does

it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, first let's talk
about the concept behind this whole ''light
bulb'' thing.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Circus Clown Barbie ...complete with scary face paint and scary

wig

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Witch Doctor Barbie ...with potions and face paints

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Werewolf Barbie ...normal doll, except under
a full moon

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Cyclops Barbie
...one eye, right in the middle of her forehead;
Cyclops Ken sold
separately

|'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the houseI searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage ''Some Assembly Required.''The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about.''Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.''''Honey,'' said hubby, ''you just glued my hand.''And then in a twinkling, I knew for a factThat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pactTo keep parents busy all Christmas Eve nightWith ''assembly required'' till morning's first light.We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thinBefore we attached the last rod and last pin.Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.But I said to my husband just before I passed out,''This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setFor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!''Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!