Newest jokes

Q: Does an elephant ever forget?A: Only if you loan him money.

Q: Why don't elephants use cellular phones?A: So the rest of the world won't know their plans.

Q: Why do penguins live in the Arctic?A: Because they can't fly to Florida like the rest of the old birds.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, ''Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?''

|Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, ''I've lost my dad!''The policeman said, ''What's he like?''Little Johnny replied, ''Beer and women!''

|Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''The man groaned but didn't budge.The usher became impatient. ''Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ''All right buddy, what's your name?''''Sam,'' the man moaned.''Where ya from, Sam?''With pain in his voice Sam replied ''... the balcony.''

|At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.American : ''In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police.''Russian : ''In Russia we don't require that you dial anything.''

There is a new Barbie doll on
the
market - Homeless Barbie ...complete with stolen K-Mart shopping

cart

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Venus de Milo Barbie ...made of rock; no head, no arms

Why is
Christmas just like a day at the
office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
the
credit.

Why does Santa Claus only have seven

reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly
Hills.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer
now
works for Proctor and Gamble?
Its true....Comet cleans
sinks!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in
Decembrrrrr.

Who brings the Christmas presents to

police stations?
Santa Clues.

Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says, ''Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass.''The second salesman says, ''Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m'aam.''The woman looks at him and says, ''That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!''

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, ''Who's in the lounge?'' The bartender replies. ''15 people playing darts.'' The man says, ''Get them a pint too.''Then he asks, ''Who's upstairs?'' The bartender replies, ''150 people at the disco.''The man says, ''Get them a drink too.'' The bartender says, ''That will be $328 please.''The man says, ''Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me.''The bartender says, ''If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.''The man says, ''I've all ready been there.''

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, ''Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.''The man asks, ''What are the tasks?''''First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.'' said the bartender.''Damn.'' says the man.Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, ''I'm in.''He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, ''Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth.''

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ?100 way to wok your dog.

English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving atour destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of your flight. Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five -o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!

Have you heard about the latest Polish parachute?It opens on impact.