Newest jokes

When a man steals your wife,
there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.

Who sings ''Love me tender'', and makes
Christmas
toys?
Santa's little Elvis.

How do sheep in Mexico say
Merry
Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

A psychologist is at
a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man comes up
behind him and
taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and
the man
hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes
himself
off, turns to the group and declares: ''That's his
problem.''

A young woman
took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. ''Doctor, you must help me,'' she
pleaded. ''It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in
bed with him.
And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a

week.''

''I see,'' nodded the psychiatrist. ''And you, no doubt, want me to

strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.''

''For
God's sake, NO!'' exclaimed the woman. ''I want you to fix it so
I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward.''

A
psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
''You all have obsessions,'' he observed.

To the first mother he
said, ''You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter
Candy.''

He turned to the second mom. ''Your obsession is money.
Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.''

He
turned to the third mom. ''Your obsession is alcohol and your
child's
name is Brandy.''

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took
her little boy by the
hand and whispered, ''Come on sweety, let's go
home.''

Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on

couch: ''Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you --

everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the
world.''

A certain little girl, when asked
her
name, would reply, ''I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'' Her mother
told
her this was wrong, she must say,''I'm Janey Sugarbrown.''

The
Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,''Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter?''

With her mother standing just a few feet
away, the little girl replied,
''I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm
not.''

Why were ancient Egyptian children

confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

A little boy walked down the
aisle at a
wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two
steps,
then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's

side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his

hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step,
step,
ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by
the time he reached the
pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all
the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back
his tears and
said, ''I was being the ring bear.''

A group of young children were siting in a circle with

their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

''Davy, what noise does a cow make?''

''It goes moo.''


''Alice, what noise does a cat make?''

''It goes meow.''


''Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?''

''It goes baaa.''


''Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?''

''Errr.., it goes..
click!''

A mother was reading a book about animals to

her 3 year old daughter. Mother: ''What does the cow say?'' Child:

''Moo!'' Mother: ''Great! What does the cat say?'' Child: ''Meow.'' Mother:

''Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?'' And this wide-eyed

little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice

replied, ''Bud.''

|It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ...''Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!'' ''Well, Paddy my lad,'' said Seamus, ''why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you.'' So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. ''T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?'' Seamus hailed to the farmers. ''Well,'' said one of the farmers, '' he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!''

|Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, ''Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?'' Pat said, ''Well, I have and I haven't.'' His friend asked, ''Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?'' Pat said, ''It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us.''

Wife, opening mail, to spouse: ''The bank says
that this is our last
notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not
going to bother us
anymore?'

The wedding was over, and the reception

was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other

members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not.
''Don't be
to mad at Dave,'' a friend told her. ''He did a terrific
job. I'd be
glad to have him usher at my wedding.''
''Yeah,'' Betty replied, ''I
wish he had been an usher at
mine.''

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his

father and said, ''I've
found a woman just like mother!'' His
father replied, ''So what do
you want from me, sympathy?''

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He

didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she

didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

John: ''I'm a man of few words.''

Bill:
''I'm married, too.''

You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant. Guess what? His penis rejected it!