Newest jokes

A rabbit's favourite Christmas
song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'

A football supporter's favourite

Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'

What's a hairdressers's favourite
Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'

Did you hear about the skunk who

sat on a fan?
He got cut off without a scent!

Did you hear about the argumentative

skunk?
He always liked to make a stink!

What do you get if you cross a skunk

and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven!

What did the judge say when
the
skunk was on trial?
Odour in court!

What is the feeling that you've
smelled a certain
skunk before?
Deja phew!

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.In her most reassuring voice, she said, ''The computer wants to know what your name is,'' then she walked over to the next child.The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, ''My name is David.''

A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because ''alarm didn't work''. 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while ''enjoying'' favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those ''gorgeous women'' online. Pass gas.

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, ''My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.''Another guy says, ''What's that?''The first guy says, ''That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.''Another one says, ''My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.A girl asks, ''What's that?''He says, ''That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.''A lady says, ''That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.''Larry says, ''A WIFE? What's a WIFE?''She says, ''That means, ''Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D.C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 - P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040. 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00 Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!! Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains. Sincerely, Peter Checker Internal Revenue Service

What makes a man think he's so great ? 1) He has a belly button that won't work. 2) He has tits that won't give milk. 3) He has a cock that won't crow. 4) He has balls that won't roll. 5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

What's so great about being a dick ? 1) You've got a head with no brains. 2) Two nuts follow you around all day. 3) Your neighbor is an asshole. 4) Your best friend is a cunt !

The first engineer calls out to the other, ''Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?'' ''Well,'' replies the other, ''I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!''' ''Good choice,'' says the first guy, ''her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Who delievers elephants's Christmas
presents?
Elephanta Claus !

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria werediscussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from NewYork City said, ''Well, I have discovered men are all alike!''Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped thetable. ''Gal,'' she said, ''men are all Ah like, too!''

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. ''Sid,'' asked Al, ''are there any Jews in China?''''I don't know,'' Sid replied. ''Why don't we ask the waiter?''When the waiter came by, Al asked him, ''Are there any Chinese Jews?''''I don't know sir, let me ask,'' the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, ''No, sir. No Chinese Jews.''''Are you sure?'' Al asked.''I will check again, sir.'' the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, ''I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.''When the waiter returned he said, ''Sir, no Chinese Jews.''''Are you really sure?'' Al asked again. ''I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.''''Sir, I ask everyone,'' the waiter replied exasperated.''We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!''

Your momma is like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!