Newest jokes

What do reindeer say before telling you
a
joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip
?
Because they are both tail bearers !

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Lang Swine.

What was the name of the hog who was knighted by

King Arthur?
Sir Lunchalot.

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said 'No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.'Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said 'I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.'So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said 'Where is your sister?'They replied 'We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6'' - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!'

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's

God's gift?
Exchange him.

How is being at a singles bar
different from
going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. ''Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out your penie-pipe. Two: Pull back the foreskin.Three: Pee.Four: Push back your foreskin.Five: Put your equipment back.''The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. ''Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!''''Hell, whut's he doin' in there?'' Joe said.I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' ''Two-four, two-four, two-four......''

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, ''well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp.''Patrick says, ''that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?'' and Mickreplies, ''no, he fell out of the machine gun tower.''

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:''It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?In England they say''Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?In France they say ''It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?''In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?''

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's
smuggling a
Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite
around her!

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach

the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she
goes
New York, L.A., Chicago

What did one firefly say to the other ?
Got
to glow now !

The front door
was accidentally left open and
our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully
whistling and calling, my
husband got in the car and went looking for
him. He drove around the
neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally
he stopoed beside
a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen
our dog. ''You
mean the one following your car?'' they asked.

What dog
is a cousin to the Dalmatian?
A
spot-weiler!

What is a duck's favorite TV show ?
The
feather forecast !

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a

shark ?
A bird that will talk you ear off !

What kind of bird opens doors ?
A kiwi !