Newest jokes

3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatalcheck-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...''What was that?'', the other two ask, curiously.''Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby'', she replies, pattingher stomach affectionately.Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..''What was that?'', the other two enquire''Vitamin tablet'', she replies, ''Good for mommy, good for little baby'' andshe pats her stomach affectionately.All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes abottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..''What was that?'' ask the other two..''Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves...''

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE1. Get up. 2. Pee. 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea. 4. Pee. 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle. 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there. 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands. 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee. 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee. 10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee. 11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Elf: My favourite film is about the man who

casts spells in the middle of a swamp.
Father Christmas: That's
called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!

Father Christmas: What's your
favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared
of the Big Bad Wolf
and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You
mean 'The Three Little Figs'.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay.
It's fun
to call him...
''Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'' He went insane.
Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German
Shepherd.

Why is a dog like a baseball player?
He runs
for home when he sees the catcher coming.

What's a transvestite's idea of a good time? Eat, drink, and be Mary!

What part of a football pitch
smells
nicest?
The scenter spot!

Policeman: Do you know
how fast you
were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.

Policeman: Didn't you see
the signs
with the speed limit?
Driver: I thought they were just
suggestions.

Policeman:
Didn't you see that stop
sign?
Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: ''I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.''He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: ''I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.''Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. ''Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,'' he typed. ''Please send us two of them.''

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet? They step on you and you're screwedSent by D.L.Chapin

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks funny!

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, andyoung George was pretty excited.''Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?'' asked George.''George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined upat the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a niceorderly fashion.'' said Sam.''Okay, I can do that.'' George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Samsaid and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few moreinstructions.''Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end andyou can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle'' said Sam.''OK, OK, let's go!'' said George.''Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals willlet us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?''said Sam.''Sure'' says George.Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at oneend and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam'sinstructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure tosay - ''Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am,thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am.''

Why does a cow wear a bell?Because his horns are broke!

What did one skunk say to

another?
And so do you!

A skunk family had two little skunks
they called In
and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk,
Father Skunk and
young Out spent hours looking for him, getting
more worried all the time.

In the end the parents went home to
have a cup of tea, but Out said
he'd continue searching for a while.


Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following
behind
him.

'However did you find him?' asked Father
Skunk.

'In-stinct,' replied Out.