Newest jokes

Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but

oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National
winner!

Did you hear about the Irishman who

couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
His friend suggested
measuring them, that didn't help though, the
Irishman discovered
that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the
white one!

Did you hear about
the horse with the
negative altitude?
He always said ''Neigh''

Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurse sent everyone
to the croakroom.

Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.

Teacher: Didn't you know the
bell had
gone?
Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.

What's the longest piece of furniture in the

school? The multiplication table.

Teacher: What happened to your
homework?

Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, ''I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there.'' ''No,'' said the doctor calmly, ''He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.''

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. ''If you get in the car,'' the driver says, ''I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy.'' The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. ''How about $20 and two pieces of candy?''The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. ''OK,'' he says, ''this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.'' The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. ''Look,'' he says to the driver. ''You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!''

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class''What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?''Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary.''I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotionsof love are.''''Very interesting.'' replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.''I think your feet go up first.''Confused but relieved the teacher said, ''Why is that?''Johnny replied, ''Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying ''Oh God!''

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.''Where is God?''The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.''Okay, Mary, Where is God?''''He is everywhere,'' ''Very good that?s right.''But still there were two children that didn?t put their hands down,so the teacher continued.''Okay, Michael, Where is God?''''God is inside me.''''Very good that?s right.''Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.''Okay, Danny, Where is God?''''He?s in our bathroom.''Well the teacher just had to ask, ''How do you know he?s in the bathroom?''The answer came, ''Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,?My God are you still in there?? ''

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. Itwas a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenlythere was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.She quickly turned and asked, ''What's so funny Pat?''''Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.''''Get out of my classroom,'' she yells, ''I don't want to see you for three days.''The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title theassignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an evenlouder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, ''What's so funnyBilly?''''Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.''Again she yells, ''Get out of my classroom!'' This time the punishment is more severe,''I don't want to see you for three weeks.''Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. Soshe bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter fromanother male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving theclassroom.''Where do you think you are going?'' she asks. ''Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!''

Father Christmas: All right, my good lady,
my face is my ticket.
Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch
out... there's a feller
inside who has the job of punching the
tickets.

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step

on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?
Lady: You
certainly did!
Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the
right
row!

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, ''No.'' Bad girls say, ''When?''

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay
stuck in adolescence.

A
woman of 35 thinks of having children. What
does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one