Newest jokes

What do you get when you cross a pig with a

canary?
I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and
sings, all
your lights go out

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,''You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!''The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, ''You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats.'' The boyshrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, ''Shit'' when he cuthimself. The boy asked, ''dad what does that mean?'' and his dad cleverly replied, ''That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using.'' So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out ''Fuck''. Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him, ''It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! Thecompany is already here!'' So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use, ''Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cuntsand dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.''

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell herwhat she had described.Teacher: ''The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.'' Timmy: '' I know what it is, it's an apple.'' Teacher: ''That's right, I like the way you're thinking.'' ''OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.''Christopher: ''I know what it is, it's an orange.'' Teacher: ''That's right, I like the way you're thinking.'' Johnny: ''Can I try, Teacher?'' Teacher: ''Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!'' Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for asecond, and says ''My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.'' Teacher: ''Alright Johnny, go to the office!'' Johnny: ''No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!''

What do you get if you cross a hedgehog

with a giraffe ?
A long necked toothbrush !

What's black and white and makes a lot
of
noise?
A zebra with a set of drums.

What do you get if you cross a zebra

with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever.

Police Officer: Why were you
speeding?
Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

Police Officer: Why are you driving in a

bathing suit?
Motorist: I'm in a car pool.

Motorist: Does a deer have a
horn?
Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.
Motorist: Then it must have
been a car that ran over my uncle.

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring...

Wedding ring...

Suffering!!!

Young
Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just
got my first part in a play. I play
the part of a man who's been
married for 30 years.
Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day
you'll get a speaking
part.

Today is my twenty-fifth wedding

anniversary.
Really?
Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!

A woman was in court
charged with wounding her
husband. ''But why did you stab him over a hundred
times?'' asked the judge.
''Oh, your Honor,'' replied the defendant,
''I didn't know how to
switch off the electric carving knife.''

What's
the difference between an Irish
wedding and an Irish
funeral?

One less drunk.

What's a ghosts favourite Christmas

entertainment ?
A phantomime !

What song do Father Christmas' gnomes sing

to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night?
Freeze a
jolly good fellow!

Father
Christmas: How do I stop a
Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note
between his teeth and stick his head over
the side of the
sledge.

What do gnomes fear
most about
Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: MAN Symbol: XY Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*! Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.