Newest jokes

What do you call a man who opens the car door for

you?
A chauffeur.

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He istaking all of her background information and asks her, ''Do you havegrounds for a divorce?''To which she replies, ''Well, we have three acres.''''No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?'' asks the attorney.''No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00,'' she responds.Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, ''Lady, tell me, do youhave a grudge?''Looking very confident she states, ''No, we have a carport.''At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, ''Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?''''Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!''

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asksthe man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chainaround?The man answered '' HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of thesethings!!''

Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... ''Burger King''25... ''Free meal''35... ''A diamond''48... ''A bigger diamond''66... ''Home Alone''FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the CatWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17... 17 25... 2535... 3548... 4866... 66IDEAL DATE17... He offers to pay25... He pays35... He cooks breakfast the next morning48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66... He can chew breakfast~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men's Lifestyles Through the AgesDRINK at age...17... Beer25... Beer35... Scotch48... Double scotch66... MaaloxSEDUCTION LINE at age...17... My parents are away for the weekend. 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48... My wife is away for the weekend.66... My second wife is dead.FAVORITE SPORT at age...17... Sex25... Sex35... Sex48... Sex66... NappingFAVORITE DRUG at age...17... Pot25... Cocaine35... Really good cocaine48... Power66... AdvilDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age... 17... Cop a feel25... Breakfast35... She didn't set back my therapy 48... I didn't bump into her kids.66... An actual erectionFAVORITE FANTASY at age...17... Thirdbase25... Airplane sex35... Menage a trois48... Taking her company public66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slaveHOUSE PET at age...17... Roaches (to be burned later)25... Old college roommate35... Irish setter48... Children from her first marriage 66... BarbiTHE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age... 17... 2525... 3535... 4848... 6666... 17IDEAL DATE at age...17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25... Split the check before we go back to my place 35... Just come over48... Just come over and cook66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Did you hear about the depressed horse?
He
told a tale of whoa!

Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
He
was the last of his race!

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of
yours is a palomino!

What does a monster do when he loses his head?

He calls a head hunter.

What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?
Rub
him with oinkment.

What do you call the story of The Three Little
Pigs?
A pig tail!

What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs?

A hog hog.

What happened at the cannibal's wedding

party?
They toasted the bride and groom.

Two men were remembering their
wedding
days. ''It was dreadful,'' said Fred. ''I got the most terrible
fright.''

''What happened?'' asked Harry.
''I married her,'' replied Fred.

What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Hump me dump me

Q: Did you hear
about the conceited
blonde?

A: She screams her own name when she comes.

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. ''Can I see it?'' asked the second gay guy.So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.''Oooh,'' squealed his friend, ''You look ten years younger!''

How do you know if a lesbian is butch?She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.Sent by Chris

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other,''Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?''

What do you say to a naked pig?
''I never
sausage a body.''

What do you get when you cross a pig with an

elephant?
A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.