Newest jokes

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?

Streaky bacon!

A man and his son were
shovelling the driveway
after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered
away from
them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted
angrily:
''Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!'' The dog charged happily back
over
to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the
bus
stop. ''Yes, sir, what can I do for you?'' she asked.

Four workers
were discussing how smart their
dogs were. The first was an engineer
who said his dog could draw.
His dog's name was ''T-Square'', and he
told him to get some paper and
draw a square, a circle and a triangle,
which he did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog, ''Balance'', could do better.

He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of

three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was
a very good stunt, but that his dog,
''Apothecary'', could do better
yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and
pour seven ounces
into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a
hitch.
All
three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the

Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant

called his dog, whose name was ''Coffee break'', and said, ''Show the

fellows what you can do, old buddy.'' Coffee Break then stroll
ed over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper,
screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while
doing so. He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied
for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

Why doesn't a dog
ever have a nose 12 inches
long?
Because then it would be a foot.

Why did the dog's owner think his dog
was a
great mathematician?
When he asked the dog what six minus six was,
the dog said
nothing.

Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children
a dachshund?
He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.

A recruit examines the food served to him

in the batallion dining room.

- Do I have any choice here, he
asks a sergeant.

- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

This is the difference between
a lousy
Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.

The lousy Golfer goes splash then
damn.

The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

Father Murphy walked
into a pub and said
to the first Marine he met, ''Do you want to go to
heaven?'' The
Marine said, ''I do Father.'' The priest said, ''Leave this
pub right
now!''

He then approached a second Marine. ''Do you want to got to
heaven?''
''Certainly, Father,'' was the Marine's reply. ''Then leave
this den of
Satan!'' said the priest.

Father Murphy then
walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, ''Do you want
to go to heaven?'' The
SgtMaj replied: ''No, I don't Father.''

The priest looked him
right in the eye and said, ''You mean to tell me
that when you die you
don't want to go to heaven?''

The SgtMaj smiled, ''Oh, when I
die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought
you were getting a working
party together to go right now!''

Motorist: When I bought this car you
told me it
was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with
rust
Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it,

did we?

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

What's the difference between a

schoolteacher and a train driver?
A schoolteacher says, ''Spit out that
toffee'' and a train says,
''Choo, choo.''

Why is it not safe to doze on trains?

Because they run over sleepers.

A blond walks into a bar. Ouch!

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, ''I put Vaselineon it every night.'' That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, ''What in the hell is that?'' ''It's to grow hair.'' he replied. ''Bull shit!'' said George. ''If Vaseline grew hair...I'd have tail a mile long!

School
Principal: I've called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about two words I wish
you wouldn't use so often. One is
''great'' and the other is
''lousy.'' Peter: Certainly, sir. What are
they?

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.''Come have a look over here,'' says Paddy, ''it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.''''That's nothing'', says Sean, ''here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.''Just then, Shamus yells out, ''Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!''''What was his name?'' asks Paddy.Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, ''Miles, from Dublin.''

How are men like noodles?
They are always in
hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

How are men like carpet
tiles?
If you lay
them properly the first time around, you can walk all over
them for
the rest of your life.

Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
They never
stop to ask directions.